If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The fourth and final item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Assumed Disability misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it nor is there an active form of it - it is entirely passive/destructive. This child has gone through all of the three prior goals of misbehavior to get here. This child has used Attention Getting, Power and Revenge at some point and abandoned each one for the next. Earlier in this child's life, he or she wanted attention from others and tried to get it - albeit not successfully. Then there were attempts at getting Control and Power but those efforts failed. When a child attempts to be powerful and in control and fails, it leads to feelings of hurt and a desire to "get back" at others for feeling hurt.
The final step in this process is to abandon connecting socially with others. When a child is hurt and is low on courage this leads to disconnecting from others and becoming isolated. When a child disconnects socially and is carrying around baggage of wanting attention, wanting power and control and wanting to hurt back but all of these efforts are thwarted - it leads to serious inner contraction away from other people.
The passive destructive Assumed Disability child has a flat affect in school. He or she has few, if any, friends. The child makes no effort to "be" a friend and appears inept at it. This child does little or no school work, despite encouragement and help from teachers and peers. Low self-confidence is an indicator for this child but there is so much more going on for this child than low self-confidence. This child is completely discouraged and cut off socially from connecting with others. Despair is a strong word but it may describe the inner landscape of feelings for this child. When a child has reached this level of misbehavior, professional intervention is warranted. Teachers are often at their wits end trying to help this child. They do so little work and give no emotional responses to correction. Threatening this child with failure because they do no work is pointless. He or she shows no reaction to these threats. The flat line of no emotional reaction is telling and speaks volumes to how much this child is hurt and lonely. Every effort needs to be made to give this child encouragement despite getting nothing back in return. Adults who work with this child must be consistently encouraging and accepting of the tiniest, most insignificant movement in the direction of social participation and doing academic work. This child feels unnoticed, powerless and hurt and they are abandoning the social world of other people to cope with these overwhelming feelings as they pull deeper within themselves.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 4 - Revenge
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The third item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Revenge misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it. It is not possible to hurt someone else or yourself in a constructive way. Misbehavior is now taking a serious downward turn. There are no constructive expressions of revenge behaviors - they are all destructive.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Revenge will do all of things we typically associate with a hurtful, unpredictable child. In school, this child will openly and directly hurt other people and destroy property. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly hurtful and destructive in a way that is bold and brazen. This child is often explosive! Teachers often feel physically and emotionally threatened by this child, and rightly so! This child will kick, pinch, break and destroy things. Teachers feel trapped with this child in the classroom because they feel that the cumulative effect of this child' fluency in attention getting, power and now revenge is overwhelming to deal with and manage - and it can be! This child plays out his/her revenge behaviors by directing his or her anger toward others.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Revenge will quietly go about hurting others or himself. This child lacks courage, so he or she will play out their revenge by imploding against himself. Instead of punching or kicking or destroying something openly, this child will steal from others, break things in a hidden way, hurt himself by cutting his arm or inflicting wounds on himself QUIETLY. This child is less explosive and more quiet and hidden in the way he hurts himself or others. Teachers often miss seeing this child's hurtful behaviors because they are so good at being passive until something happens that draws your attention to the results of his behaviors (i.e. bloody arm, stolen property, etc) This child causes a teacher to feel hurt themselves because your best efforts get returned with more hurtful behaviors. This child is in pain, has been hurt by others and yet he/she is unwilling to express the hurt openly. Instead he hides and withdraws and implodes on himself. It can feel overwhelming to get this child to improve their behavior and unlock himself from the drive to hurt others as he has been hurt himself.
Keep your eye out for revenge driven children in the classroom. Look for the difference between children who explode toward others and those who implode toward themselves. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Assumed Disability misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The third item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Revenge misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it. It is not possible to hurt someone else or yourself in a constructive way. Misbehavior is now taking a serious downward turn. There are no constructive expressions of revenge behaviors - they are all destructive.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Revenge will do all of things we typically associate with a hurtful, unpredictable child. In school, this child will openly and directly hurt other people and destroy property. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly hurtful and destructive in a way that is bold and brazen. This child is often explosive! Teachers often feel physically and emotionally threatened by this child, and rightly so! This child will kick, pinch, break and destroy things. Teachers feel trapped with this child in the classroom because they feel that the cumulative effect of this child' fluency in attention getting, power and now revenge is overwhelming to deal with and manage - and it can be! This child plays out his/her revenge behaviors by directing his or her anger toward others.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Revenge will quietly go about hurting others or himself. This child lacks courage, so he or she will play out their revenge by imploding against himself. Instead of punching or kicking or destroying something openly, this child will steal from others, break things in a hidden way, hurt himself by cutting his arm or inflicting wounds on himself QUIETLY. This child is less explosive and more quiet and hidden in the way he hurts himself or others. Teachers often miss seeing this child's hurtful behaviors because they are so good at being passive until something happens that draws your attention to the results of his behaviors (i.e. bloody arm, stolen property, etc) This child causes a teacher to feel hurt themselves because your best efforts get returned with more hurtful behaviors. This child is in pain, has been hurt by others and yet he/she is unwilling to express the hurt openly. Instead he hides and withdraws and implodes on himself. It can feel overwhelming to get this child to improve their behavior and unlock himself from the drive to hurt others as he has been hurt himself.
Keep your eye out for revenge driven children in the classroom. Look for the difference between children who explode toward others and those who implode toward themselves. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Assumed Disability misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Monday, October 31, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 3 - Power
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The second item examined is the Power driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Power (the second Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a leader. In school, this child wants to be in charge of things and lead others, he or she wants to be the assistant teacher, wants to be the line leader, likes being in charge of small groups, etc. This child has lots of courage and actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often a support for the teacher. When kids are misbehaving this child often implores them to get quiet and behave on behalf of the teacher! Schools need to find ways to help these children channel their desires for power in constructive ways through school council, athletics, music and arts programs, anything that puts children in charge in a good way. When teachers understand this matrix, they share power with children in the classroom to develop constructive leadership. Developing constructive leadership in the classroom is a very important job for a teacher who is skillfully managing the class to become increasingly cooperative.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Power will do all of things we typically associate with a defiant child. In school, this child will openly and directly defy the teacher and persons of authority, they persist in breaking the rules, will often say "NO" to a teacher or parent to their face - they will do anything to resist being told what to do by someone in authority. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly defiant and rude in a way that is bold and brazen. Teachers often feel that their authority is being openly challenged and threatened by this child (because it is!). Teachers feel stuck with this child in the classroom because they feel like each incident is a test case of either fighting back with the child or giving in to him or her to avoid a fight. Dealing with this child in the classroom is exhausting!
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Power quietly desires to be in control and in charge in a good way but lacks the courage to demonstrate it or ask for an appropriate position of power. This child is a resource in the classroom that is very often untapped because the child stays hidden. If the teacher knew how to recognize that this child is hiding his or her strength and knew how to encourage him or her to be in a position of power, the child would enjoy it and run with it. However, this child will not ask for it or bring attention to himself to get it. This is clearly a case where if this child's leadership is to come forward it will take an astute teacher or adult to recognize it and foster leadership in this child, despite the child's lack of courage to show it. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as an increasingly noticeable constructive force in the classroom. This child's leadership ability can easily go completely unnoticed in the classroom.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Power will quietly not comply with nearly everything the teacher asks of him. However, his child lacks courage, so he or she will play out defiance by withholding what you want. Instead of saying 'NO" to your face, this child will not speak back to you but will simply do what he wants to do ignoring you and defying you QUIETLY. This child does not do their work or forgets things needed to do their work, avoids work by distracting himself from it, finds other things to do rather than the assigned work, walks around the room quietly and unnoticed. Teachers often miss seeing this child's avoidance and defiance because they are so good at being passive until you got to check on work completed and find little or nothing getting done! When confronted with getting to work, this child will sit quietly, listen to what you have to say, but still won't do what you want. It can be very frustrating teaching this child because your best efforts produce little change and you seem unable to penetrate the wall of silence and defiance the child has built around himself. Withholding is a powerful tactic and this child uses it skillfully! This child causes a teacher to feel a different form of frustration than you would feel with an openly defiant child who tells you "NO" to your face. This child is telling you "no" without saying a word - simply by the fact that they refuse to act and refuse to fight with you. These are very powerful children.
Keep your eye out for power driven children in the classroom and know that all power and control driven misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Revenge misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The second item examined is the Power driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Power (the second Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a leader. In school, this child wants to be in charge of things and lead others, he or she wants to be the assistant teacher, wants to be the line leader, likes being in charge of small groups, etc. This child has lots of courage and actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often a support for the teacher. When kids are misbehaving this child often implores them to get quiet and behave on behalf of the teacher! Schools need to find ways to help these children channel their desires for power in constructive ways through school council, athletics, music and arts programs, anything that puts children in charge in a good way. When teachers understand this matrix, they share power with children in the classroom to develop constructive leadership. Developing constructive leadership in the classroom is a very important job for a teacher who is skillfully managing the class to become increasingly cooperative.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Power will do all of things we typically associate with a defiant child. In school, this child will openly and directly defy the teacher and persons of authority, they persist in breaking the rules, will often say "NO" to a teacher or parent to their face - they will do anything to resist being told what to do by someone in authority. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly defiant and rude in a way that is bold and brazen. Teachers often feel that their authority is being openly challenged and threatened by this child (because it is!). Teachers feel stuck with this child in the classroom because they feel like each incident is a test case of either fighting back with the child or giving in to him or her to avoid a fight. Dealing with this child in the classroom is exhausting!
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Power quietly desires to be in control and in charge in a good way but lacks the courage to demonstrate it or ask for an appropriate position of power. This child is a resource in the classroom that is very often untapped because the child stays hidden. If the teacher knew how to recognize that this child is hiding his or her strength and knew how to encourage him or her to be in a position of power, the child would enjoy it and run with it. However, this child will not ask for it or bring attention to himself to get it. This is clearly a case where if this child's leadership is to come forward it will take an astute teacher or adult to recognize it and foster leadership in this child, despite the child's lack of courage to show it. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as an increasingly noticeable constructive force in the classroom. This child's leadership ability can easily go completely unnoticed in the classroom.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Power will quietly not comply with nearly everything the teacher asks of him. However, his child lacks courage, so he or she will play out defiance by withholding what you want. Instead of saying 'NO" to your face, this child will not speak back to you but will simply do what he wants to do ignoring you and defying you QUIETLY. This child does not do their work or forgets things needed to do their work, avoids work by distracting himself from it, finds other things to do rather than the assigned work, walks around the room quietly and unnoticed. Teachers often miss seeing this child's avoidance and defiance because they are so good at being passive until you got to check on work completed and find little or nothing getting done! When confronted with getting to work, this child will sit quietly, listen to what you have to say, but still won't do what you want. It can be very frustrating teaching this child because your best efforts produce little change and you seem unable to penetrate the wall of silence and defiance the child has built around himself. Withholding is a powerful tactic and this child uses it skillfully! This child causes a teacher to feel a different form of frustration than you would feel with an openly defiant child who tells you "NO" to your face. This child is telling you "no" without saying a word - simply by the fact that they refuse to act and refuse to fight with you. These are very powerful children.
Keep your eye out for power driven children in the classroom and know that all power and control driven misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Revenge misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Friday, October 21, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 2 - Attention Getting
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
This matrix helps us to observe and recognize various types of behavior and understand it for what it is. Many teachers and parents are trying to respond to behaviors they do not understand and it makes it very difficult to do. Misbehavior is not random and a blur, it is specific and targeted.
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
Remember, there are four basic misbehaviors in this system: Attention, Power, Revenge, Assumed Disability. Each of these 4 misbehavior types fit into this matrix.
This blog will deal with the first one - Attention. We begin to put this matrix together by examining each category in the matrix applying it to and focusing on attention-getting behaviors by a child.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Attention (the first Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a "good" child. In school, this child raises his hand to speak, waits his turn, does his work when assigned, volunteering to answer questions, etc. This child actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often helpers for the teacher.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Attention will do all of things we typically associate with an annoying child. In school, this child calls out to be noticed, has trouble waiting a turn and forces himself into being recognized among the other kids in class, may not do work on time or when asked,
will often make noises, bang things, get up and walk around at inappropriate times - anything to turn the head of an adult so they get your attention, like a flashing billboard in the classroom. Teachers are often annoyed after a point with these children because they often are not stopped by correction - they need the attention so badly, they will risk a teacher reprimand(s) to get it.
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Attention will quietly comply with everything the teacher asks of him. However, this child rarely or never raises a hand to give an answer - they lack the courage to do so. They know the answer. If a teacher called on them despite not having a hand raised, this child would provide the correct response easily. But they do not have the courage to do it on their own. This child prefers to be out of the spotlight. This child is often a great resource in the classroom for a teacher but goes untapped because they hide. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as a constructive force in the classroom. This is a child who can go completely unnoticed for the entire day in school.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Attention will quietly not comply with everything the teacher asks of the class. While teaching, this child is playing quietly with pencils or little items in his desk. He is often inattentive and disconnected from the flow of events in the classroom (not because he is unable to learn). This child wants the attention of being disconnected but hates to draw obvious attention to himself for doing the wrong thing. So this child plays out the need for attention by quietly going about his own agenda in school, disregarding the agenda the teacher is laying out. The theme of this child's form of misbehavior is to "withhold" what you want by forgetting or not doing. Often this child's misbehavior is missed by a busy, distracted teacher because the Active/Destructive Attention getter is grabbing all of the oxygen in the room. A sharp eyed teacher will see this child quietly not complying, but it takes practice to recognize it early and help the child out of it. These children hide under the radar of the classroom.
Keep your eye out for attention seeking children in the classroom and know that all attention seeking misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Power and Control misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
This matrix helps us to observe and recognize various types of behavior and understand it for what it is. Many teachers and parents are trying to respond to behaviors they do not understand and it makes it very difficult to do. Misbehavior is not random and a blur, it is specific and targeted.
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
Remember, there are four basic misbehaviors in this system: Attention, Power, Revenge, Assumed Disability. Each of these 4 misbehavior types fit into this matrix.
This blog will deal with the first one - Attention. We begin to put this matrix together by examining each category in the matrix applying it to and focusing on attention-getting behaviors by a child.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Attention (the first Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a "good" child. In school, this child raises his hand to speak, waits his turn, does his work when assigned, volunteering to answer questions, etc. This child actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often helpers for the teacher.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Attention will do all of things we typically associate with an annoying child. In school, this child calls out to be noticed, has trouble waiting a turn and forces himself into being recognized among the other kids in class, may not do work on time or when asked,
will often make noises, bang things, get up and walk around at inappropriate times - anything to turn the head of an adult so they get your attention, like a flashing billboard in the classroom. Teachers are often annoyed after a point with these children because they often are not stopped by correction - they need the attention so badly, they will risk a teacher reprimand(s) to get it.
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Attention will quietly comply with everything the teacher asks of him. However, this child rarely or never raises a hand to give an answer - they lack the courage to do so. They know the answer. If a teacher called on them despite not having a hand raised, this child would provide the correct response easily. But they do not have the courage to do it on their own. This child prefers to be out of the spotlight. This child is often a great resource in the classroom for a teacher but goes untapped because they hide. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as a constructive force in the classroom. This is a child who can go completely unnoticed for the entire day in school.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Attention will quietly not comply with everything the teacher asks of the class. While teaching, this child is playing quietly with pencils or little items in his desk. He is often inattentive and disconnected from the flow of events in the classroom (not because he is unable to learn). This child wants the attention of being disconnected but hates to draw obvious attention to himself for doing the wrong thing. So this child plays out the need for attention by quietly going about his own agenda in school, disregarding the agenda the teacher is laying out. The theme of this child's form of misbehavior is to "withhold" what you want by forgetting or not doing. Often this child's misbehavior is missed by a busy, distracted teacher because the Active/Destructive Attention getter is grabbing all of the oxygen in the room. A sharp eyed teacher will see this child quietly not complying, but it takes practice to recognize it early and help the child out of it. These children hide under the radar of the classroom.
Keep your eye out for attention seeking children in the classroom and know that all attention seeking misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Power and Control misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 1
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There is a reason kids behave the way they do. It is more than just being bad and disruptive. There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).
One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior. There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children. The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior. This usually starts when a child is very young. The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.). Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her. Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again. The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention. If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it. The need for adult attention in children is very strong.
Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship. Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse. Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire. So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult. This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc. Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?" This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way" or "in our house you do not behave this way". When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands. Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve. The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages. This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.
When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages. Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!
The third goal is REVENGE. This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life. It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child. To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them. It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back! Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel. Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her. Now the child is fluent in three types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge. He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave. Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.
The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY. This is not to be confused with a learning disability. In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others. This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior. Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him. He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially. He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others. He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.
This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior. It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it. Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults. Stay Tuned! In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them. Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose. The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way. They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it. Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
There is a reason kids behave the way they do. It is more than just being bad and disruptive. There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).
One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior. There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children. The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior. This usually starts when a child is very young. The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.). Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her. Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again. The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention. If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it. The need for adult attention in children is very strong.
Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship. Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse. Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire. So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult. This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc. Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?" This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way" or "in our house you do not behave this way". When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands. Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve. The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages. This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.
When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages. Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!
The third goal is REVENGE. This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life. It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child. To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them. It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back! Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel. Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her. Now the child is fluent in three types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge. He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave. Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.
The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY. This is not to be confused with a learning disability. In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others. This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior. Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him. He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially. He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others. He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.
This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior. It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it. Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults. Stay Tuned! In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them. Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose. The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way. They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it. Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Managing Kids When They Argue
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When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How To Tell Kids You Are Upset, Angry and Frustrated
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The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Putting Out the Fire of Misbehavior...Reflect Feelings
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
I suggest you read the last posting on Kids with Matches and Adults Holding the Gasoline prior to reading this posting. Kids who misbehave are holding emotional matches in the classroom and at home. They strike these matches (usually with their words of defiance and disrespect or non compliance. We adults walk around with a backpack of gasoline (our words!) and can turn a misbehaving child's match into a fire easily. If you understand what is happening you can change it.
Adults have a powerful, helpful and constructive tool to use instead of words that erupt like gasoline on a match. We can learn how to soothe and calm an upset child by reflecting feelings. Reflecting feelings is telling the child you know how they feel when they are upset, mad, lonely, disappointed, stuck, etc, etc, etc. When a child is feeling upset and/or angry he or she often has no label for the feeling. The child is almost at the mercy of these strong feelings that overtake them. Combine these strong feelings with the natural immaturity of a child and you get....rude and disrespectful misbehavior that expresses itself on impulse.
Anyone who is raising children at home or teaching them in a classroom knows what it is like to live with an impulsive, misbehaving child who is throwing around his/her feelings on a whim. It is not fun. They often catch us off guard and we react negatively to what they are saying and/or doing. I want to suggest another approach.
Instead of reacting to the child's impulsive feelings and actions (and throwing gasoline on that lit match!).....slow down and listen to the child carefully. In fact, listen beyond the words they are speaking and the awful tone that they are putting out. Ignore that stuff. It is all unimportant at the moment. Instead, learn to listen behind the words and their disrespectful tone, listen to the feelings they are desperately and unskillfully trying to communicate to you.
When a child says: "I hate you."
He is really saying: "I am so mad, I don't know what to do about it."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
He is really saying: "This is frustrating for me."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
He is really saying: "This is unfair to me."
If you can learn how to listen for the message of the feelings underneath the rude words and disrespectful tone of an angry, misbehaving child, you can begin to help the child learn how he really feels and take better control of himself. That happens when an adult listens differently to the child and ignores the rudeness and disrespect and listens for the true feeling trying to get out. When you are able to hear the true feeling trying to get out behind all of that bluster, and you tell it back to the child with a helpful tone, it calms them down.
When a child says: "I hate you."
You reflect by saying: "You are really mad at me right now."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "You feel frustrated with this work."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "This feels unfair to you."
The power of reflection comes from listening carefully and attentively to the child and giving that feeling back to them. Children who chronically misbehave tend to have a low emotional IQ. They are impulsive and are not in touch with how they feel. They tend to hit, punch, call out, etc when they feel something strongly. There is no gap for them between when they feel something and how they act. Self-disciplined children have some time delay, some gap between feeling something and acting on it. They have a higher emotional IQ. The way to raise a child's emotional IQ is to be around adults who have a higher emotional IQ than they do. YOU have to be the one to help the child recognize how they feel. In order to do this, you need to set aside the temptation to react to what they are saying, how they are saying it and the tone they are using with you. I know! This is hard.
But it is what is needed if you are genuinely going to help the child calm their anger, and deal with their upset.
Reflecting feelings is an important first step in blowing out the match misbehaving kids are striking at home and in the classroom. Start practicing by listening to other children in stores and with their teachers and parents - but not with you. See if you can hear the true feelings they are trying to express (albeit ineptly). When you can start hearing those authentic feelings in other people's kids, you can start listening for it with your own kids at home or in your classroom. Start listening with a more refined and attuned ear to children in distress.
When you become fluent in the art and skill of reflecting feelings you will know how to blow out the lit match of misbehavior and help children calm down when they are upset and angry. THAT is an invaluable skill in raising self-disciplined kids.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
I suggest you read the last posting on Kids with Matches and Adults Holding the Gasoline prior to reading this posting. Kids who misbehave are holding emotional matches in the classroom and at home. They strike these matches (usually with their words of defiance and disrespect or non compliance. We adults walk around with a backpack of gasoline (our words!) and can turn a misbehaving child's match into a fire easily. If you understand what is happening you can change it.
Adults have a powerful, helpful and constructive tool to use instead of words that erupt like gasoline on a match. We can learn how to soothe and calm an upset child by reflecting feelings. Reflecting feelings is telling the child you know how they feel when they are upset, mad, lonely, disappointed, stuck, etc, etc, etc. When a child is feeling upset and/or angry he or she often has no label for the feeling. The child is almost at the mercy of these strong feelings that overtake them. Combine these strong feelings with the natural immaturity of a child and you get....rude and disrespectful misbehavior that expresses itself on impulse.
Anyone who is raising children at home or teaching them in a classroom knows what it is like to live with an impulsive, misbehaving child who is throwing around his/her feelings on a whim. It is not fun. They often catch us off guard and we react negatively to what they are saying and/or doing. I want to suggest another approach.
Instead of reacting to the child's impulsive feelings and actions (and throwing gasoline on that lit match!).....slow down and listen to the child carefully. In fact, listen beyond the words they are speaking and the awful tone that they are putting out. Ignore that stuff. It is all unimportant at the moment. Instead, learn to listen behind the words and their disrespectful tone, listen to the feelings they are desperately and unskillfully trying to communicate to you.
When a child says: "I hate you."
He is really saying: "I am so mad, I don't know what to do about it."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
He is really saying: "This is frustrating for me."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
He is really saying: "This is unfair to me."
If you can learn how to listen for the message of the feelings underneath the rude words and disrespectful tone of an angry, misbehaving child, you can begin to help the child learn how he really feels and take better control of himself. That happens when an adult listens differently to the child and ignores the rudeness and disrespect and listens for the true feeling trying to get out. When you are able to hear the true feeling trying to get out behind all of that bluster, and you tell it back to the child with a helpful tone, it calms them down.
When a child says: "I hate you."
You reflect by saying: "You are really mad at me right now."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "You feel frustrated with this work."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "This feels unfair to you."
The power of reflection comes from listening carefully and attentively to the child and giving that feeling back to them. Children who chronically misbehave tend to have a low emotional IQ. They are impulsive and are not in touch with how they feel. They tend to hit, punch, call out, etc when they feel something strongly. There is no gap for them between when they feel something and how they act. Self-disciplined children have some time delay, some gap between feeling something and acting on it. They have a higher emotional IQ. The way to raise a child's emotional IQ is to be around adults who have a higher emotional IQ than they do. YOU have to be the one to help the child recognize how they feel. In order to do this, you need to set aside the temptation to react to what they are saying, how they are saying it and the tone they are using with you. I know! This is hard.
But it is what is needed if you are genuinely going to help the child calm their anger, and deal with their upset.
Reflecting feelings is an important first step in blowing out the match misbehaving kids are striking at home and in the classroom. Start practicing by listening to other children in stores and with their teachers and parents - but not with you. See if you can hear the true feelings they are trying to express (albeit ineptly). When you can start hearing those authentic feelings in other people's kids, you can start listening for it with your own kids at home or in your classroom. Start listening with a more refined and attuned ear to children in distress.
When you become fluent in the art and skill of reflecting feelings you will know how to blow out the lit match of misbehavior and help children calm down when they are upset and angry. THAT is an invaluable skill in raising self-disciplined kids.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Misbehaving Kids Playing with Matches.....Adults Hold the Gasoline!
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Misbehaving kids are like someone playing with matches in the hopes of starting a fire and seeing what happens next! Most kids have no idea where their misbehavior will lead them. They jump in feet first (usually mouth first!) and then watch to see what happens as a result. Think of the classroom as a place where misbehaving kids sit and light matches through the day, waiting to see if the teacher will catch fire and cause a rumpus. Think of teachers (and parents) as carrying around a back pack of gasoline. The hose used to deliver the gasoline is our adult mouths and the words that we use back to kids when they strike their matches (being rude, disrespectful or non-compliant). Look out!
We cannot control kids striking matches. But we can control the gasoline we carry around on our backs and how we use our mouths when talking back to misbehaving kids. I spend a lot of my time coaching teachers and parents to stop pouring gasoline on a match! It only blows up in your face.
The key to managing misbehaving kids is to learn how to blow out the match not pour gasoline on it.
This requires self-discipline on the part of the adult. When a child is being rude, disrespectful and belligerent it is so difficult to keep your composure and not strike back, especially with your words. But this is what is required if we are going to help misbehaving kids learn to change their behavior from destructive to constructive. Often teachers and parents feel it is unfair that they are ones who have to exercise self-discipline first in the face of an undisciplined child. I get it. I agree. But unfortunately, it is the way it is. If the child was more self-disciplined he or she wouldn't be misbehaving in the first place!
In the moment when the child is misbehaving he or she needs the teacher or parent to exercise good judgement, self-discipline and self-control. There is short lived satisfaction in striking back at a difficult child with sarcasm or reprimands. The long term benefit and the enduring change that comes for a misbehaving child is when the adult holds their fire and tries to help the kid out of the mess they have created. This is why adults (parents and teachers) are so valuable in the lives of children. We anchor for them stability and self-discipline when they do not have it for themselves. Imagine a child whose life is full of mistakes, rudeness, misbehavior and defiance and they have no one who is holding steady for them and helping them learn how to be self-disciplined? It is a sink hole with no escape.
The next time you are with a child who is lighting matches of misbehavior - you be the one who holds your fire, does not pour more gasoline on their match, but instead learns how to blow out the match.
If that is the case....then what do you say to a misbehaving kid that blows out the match they lit?
Stay tuned to a future blog for that technique! In the meantime start watching and observing this dynamic of kids lighting matches and adults pouring gasoline on the match.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Misbehaving kids are like someone playing with matches in the hopes of starting a fire and seeing what happens next! Most kids have no idea where their misbehavior will lead them. They jump in feet first (usually mouth first!) and then watch to see what happens as a result. Think of the classroom as a place where misbehaving kids sit and light matches through the day, waiting to see if the teacher will catch fire and cause a rumpus. Think of teachers (and parents) as carrying around a back pack of gasoline. The hose used to deliver the gasoline is our adult mouths and the words that we use back to kids when they strike their matches (being rude, disrespectful or non-compliant). Look out!
We cannot control kids striking matches. But we can control the gasoline we carry around on our backs and how we use our mouths when talking back to misbehaving kids. I spend a lot of my time coaching teachers and parents to stop pouring gasoline on a match! It only blows up in your face.
The key to managing misbehaving kids is to learn how to blow out the match not pour gasoline on it.
This requires self-discipline on the part of the adult. When a child is being rude, disrespectful and belligerent it is so difficult to keep your composure and not strike back, especially with your words. But this is what is required if we are going to help misbehaving kids learn to change their behavior from destructive to constructive. Often teachers and parents feel it is unfair that they are ones who have to exercise self-discipline first in the face of an undisciplined child. I get it. I agree. But unfortunately, it is the way it is. If the child was more self-disciplined he or she wouldn't be misbehaving in the first place!
In the moment when the child is misbehaving he or she needs the teacher or parent to exercise good judgement, self-discipline and self-control. There is short lived satisfaction in striking back at a difficult child with sarcasm or reprimands. The long term benefit and the enduring change that comes for a misbehaving child is when the adult holds their fire and tries to help the kid out of the mess they have created. This is why adults (parents and teachers) are so valuable in the lives of children. We anchor for them stability and self-discipline when they do not have it for themselves. Imagine a child whose life is full of mistakes, rudeness, misbehavior and defiance and they have no one who is holding steady for them and helping them learn how to be self-disciplined? It is a sink hole with no escape.
The next time you are with a child who is lighting matches of misbehavior - you be the one who holds your fire, does not pour more gasoline on their match, but instead learns how to blow out the match.
If that is the case....then what do you say to a misbehaving kid that blows out the match they lit?
Stay tuned to a future blog for that technique! In the meantime start watching and observing this dynamic of kids lighting matches and adults pouring gasoline on the match.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Time Out....For Adults!
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When adults model the proper behavior and emotional responses to situations it is important for children to witness it in action. Children need good models to see how to handle situations responsibly. By contrast, poor adult models also instruct children how to behave and can have a destructive impact on children. Adults are powerful models for children, even when they are not intending to be one. Children are ALWAYS watching us to see how we respond and learning what to do in a variety of social situations. As parents and teachers, we often forget that children are watching EVERYTHING we do and say and it is being recorded in some way for the child as a model of how to behave. This why television, films, video games and the overwhelming violence and destructive behaviors being modeled in all types of media are worrisome to those of us who understand the power of models in children's lives.
When a parent or teacher is dealing with a difficult misbehavior situation involving a child and the adult is upset, angry or frustrated with the child it is the perfect moment to model how to constructively handle feelings like this for the child. Often, adults spiral out of control when they feel this way. We rant and rave in front of the child and end up "putting on an emotional show" (from the point of view of the child) that is entertaining for the child and a poor model of how to handle these kinds of feelings.
Another approach is to use "time out"... not for the child but for the adult! Adults put children into "time out" all of the time. The more powerful use of time out is to model it for the child and use it on yourself. When you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated with the behavior of a child or group of children, tell them how you are feeling and tell them that you are taking a time out. Tell them you do not want them to speak to you and you are not talking, you need to be alone for a few minutes because you are so upset you need to get back into balance before you do anything else. You don't just take the time out, you actually explain how you are feeling and what you need to handle yourself better. You model and teach a child that having out of balance feelings is normal and this how you handle it when it happens. You don't scream, and throw objects, you don't grab the child and lecture at them, you don't do things or say things that you later regret - you take time out and collect yourself. This is modeling a healthy emotional IQ for a child. Often, children who misbehave a lot have a low emotional IQ. They are not aware of their feelings, they are often overwhelmed by their own feelings and act on impulse - a lot! They act first and think later. We are always telling these types of children in schools that they need more "self-control"! How does a child learn self-control? They need to see it modeled in order to learn it. When adults act impulsively and are out of control around misbehaving children it is a poor combination because the adult is not providing a proper model for how to handle feelings that can grab a hold of us and make us do things we regret.
Adult time out teaches children that everyone gets these feelings from time to time and the way to handle them is to take a break, slow down, be alone and compose yourself. So, I advise parents and teachers to buy a simple kitchen timer and set it for 5+/- minutes and just be alone. Don't answer your phone, don't respond to questions from kids who keep asking you things. Be with yourself in front of children and show them what time out looks like. Then when the child is upset, angry and frustrated and you need to give him a time out, he can accept it better. He has seen you do it and he understands what it is and where it is coming from. Children come to learn that everyone, including parents and teachers, get out of balance and need to find a way to get back in balance in order to relate better to other people.
Imagine if children grew up in a world where "time out" allowed all of us to regain our perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed. We might actually raise children in our homes and our schools to become less impulsive, emotionally more mature and self disciplined.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When adults model the proper behavior and emotional responses to situations it is important for children to witness it in action. Children need good models to see how to handle situations responsibly. By contrast, poor adult models also instruct children how to behave and can have a destructive impact on children. Adults are powerful models for children, even when they are not intending to be one. Children are ALWAYS watching us to see how we respond and learning what to do in a variety of social situations. As parents and teachers, we often forget that children are watching EVERYTHING we do and say and it is being recorded in some way for the child as a model of how to behave. This why television, films, video games and the overwhelming violence and destructive behaviors being modeled in all types of media are worrisome to those of us who understand the power of models in children's lives.
When a parent or teacher is dealing with a difficult misbehavior situation involving a child and the adult is upset, angry or frustrated with the child it is the perfect moment to model how to constructively handle feelings like this for the child. Often, adults spiral out of control when they feel this way. We rant and rave in front of the child and end up "putting on an emotional show" (from the point of view of the child) that is entertaining for the child and a poor model of how to handle these kinds of feelings.
Another approach is to use "time out"... not for the child but for the adult! Adults put children into "time out" all of the time. The more powerful use of time out is to model it for the child and use it on yourself. When you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated with the behavior of a child or group of children, tell them how you are feeling and tell them that you are taking a time out. Tell them you do not want them to speak to you and you are not talking, you need to be alone for a few minutes because you are so upset you need to get back into balance before you do anything else. You don't just take the time out, you actually explain how you are feeling and what you need to handle yourself better. You model and teach a child that having out of balance feelings is normal and this how you handle it when it happens. You don't scream, and throw objects, you don't grab the child and lecture at them, you don't do things or say things that you later regret - you take time out and collect yourself. This is modeling a healthy emotional IQ for a child. Often, children who misbehave a lot have a low emotional IQ. They are not aware of their feelings, they are often overwhelmed by their own feelings and act on impulse - a lot! They act first and think later. We are always telling these types of children in schools that they need more "self-control"! How does a child learn self-control? They need to see it modeled in order to learn it. When adults act impulsively and are out of control around misbehaving children it is a poor combination because the adult is not providing a proper model for how to handle feelings that can grab a hold of us and make us do things we regret.
Adult time out teaches children that everyone gets these feelings from time to time and the way to handle them is to take a break, slow down, be alone and compose yourself. So, I advise parents and teachers to buy a simple kitchen timer and set it for 5+/- minutes and just be alone. Don't answer your phone, don't respond to questions from kids who keep asking you things. Be with yourself in front of children and show them what time out looks like. Then when the child is upset, angry and frustrated and you need to give him a time out, he can accept it better. He has seen you do it and he understands what it is and where it is coming from. Children come to learn that everyone, including parents and teachers, get out of balance and need to find a way to get back in balance in order to relate better to other people.
Imagine if children grew up in a world where "time out" allowed all of us to regain our perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed. We might actually raise children in our homes and our schools to become less impulsive, emotionally more mature and self disciplined.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Tug of War Over Adult Attention
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Children are in a constant tug of war with adults to get attention. Children don't really care how they get your attention - they just want it. They need it. Adult attention confirms for children that they belong with you. Belonging is crucial for children to feel part of a social group, whether it is in the family or in the classroom. Belonging is how children develop their "private logic" (see a prior posting on Private Logic). Belonging and Private logic are what drives children to behave either constructively or destructively.
Parents and teachers would benefit from learning how to use this constant tug of war for adult attention to the benefit of the child and help him or her move in the direction of getting attention for behaving constructively. What parents and teachers often do not understand is that despite how destructively the child bids for attention, the adult is in control of when and how they give their attention. Too often adults give their attention away to a child mostly when the child is behaving badly. Adult attention is like gold. If you give it to a child when he or she is behaving badly you are paying him/her your gold to keep behaving badly. This is a mistake that could be avoided!
Adults have so much power to influence a child's sense of belonging and private logic and the child's subsequent behavior. This private logic is how the child sees himself relating in the world with other children and other adults. The power adults have comes from choosing when to give adult attention to a child. Parents and teachers are typically so busy with keeping the family or the classroom afloat that they typically only give their attention when something goes wrong with a child. If things are going right, we all take it for granted that is should be that way and keep going, giving little or no "gold" to the child for behaving well.
Ignoring a child's misbehavior, where sensible, and immediately giving attention to the cessation of that misbehavior is a much wiser course of action for adults. Choosing to pay attention to predominantly constructive behaviors in a child shapes the child to believe that adult "gold" or attention is given only when he behaves well. Too often, we go unconscious when kids are behaving well. We expect that they should do what is expected of them and ignore a powerful opportunity to get more of that good behavior. However, as soon as a child behaves badly, it catches our attention and we react to it, giving away our "gold" to the child and cementing in a destructive private logic about how that child belongs with others. The overwhelming number of children who behave badly are not "bad" kids. They have simply been given lots of adults attention (at home and at school) for behaving badly (usually in the form of correction) and been given too little adult attention for behaving appropriately.
Guess who is responsible for giving away adult attention - the adult! Unfortunately, most adults are unaware of how much power they have in choosing when and where to give away their attention to children, especially to children who behave badly. We often feel like the child is making us give them our attention because we have to stop them from misbehaving. This is what causes adults to constantly correct misbehaving kids. If you pay close attention to the results of adults constantly correcting and reprimanding misbehaving children, you will see poor results with kids persisting in misbehaving even after they are corrected. It is because the adults have missed the point - the child wants your "gold", your attention, they care less about the reprimand. Adults delude themselves into thinking the reprimand is what is important. It isn't. It is all about the attention being given by the adult. Whatever behaviors you pay attention to with children, you will get more of those behaviors from them.
A School Example:
A child is calling out in class to answer questions and not following the guideline of raising hands to be called upon by the teacher. Reprimanding that child and correcting them for calling out is giving that behavior attention...albeit negative attention, but attention nonetheless. If the teacher were to discipline herself to let that one moment pass temporarily and as soon as the child stops calling out THEN give the child your attention by thanking him or her for stopping and getting quiet. Then invite the child to raise their hand and as soon as the child raises his hand - call on him and give him your "gold". Teachers correct the same interrupting children all day for calling out in class - correcting does not work. It simply gives endless attention to destructive behaviors and cements the child into a private logic engine that keeps pushing out more of the same behaviors in order to "belong" in the classroom. This goes on all for the sake of getting the teachers attention. Kids don't care if the attention comes in the form of a reprimand - they just want the teacher's "gold"! So knowing this, teachers need to exercise wisdom and help the child make the switch to more constructive behavior. The way a teacher helps the child make this switch to better behavior is to be conscious of how the teacher gives away their attention to the child.
Be wise and recognize the game being played so you can help your child to behave more constructively. You are in a tug of war over adult attention and, often, you are losing. If you start paying more attention to the child when he/she is behaving appropriately you will get more of that behavior at home and in school. Adults need to discipline themselves to decide when and where to give away the gold of their attention to children. If parents and teachers knew the stakes involved with giving away their gold, they would be more careful with it.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Children are in a constant tug of war with adults to get attention. Children don't really care how they get your attention - they just want it. They need it. Adult attention confirms for children that they belong with you. Belonging is crucial for children to feel part of a social group, whether it is in the family or in the classroom. Belonging is how children develop their "private logic" (see a prior posting on Private Logic). Belonging and Private logic are what drives children to behave either constructively or destructively.
Parents and teachers would benefit from learning how to use this constant tug of war for adult attention to the benefit of the child and help him or her move in the direction of getting attention for behaving constructively. What parents and teachers often do not understand is that despite how destructively the child bids for attention, the adult is in control of when and how they give their attention. Too often adults give their attention away to a child mostly when the child is behaving badly. Adult attention is like gold. If you give it to a child when he or she is behaving badly you are paying him/her your gold to keep behaving badly. This is a mistake that could be avoided!
Adults have so much power to influence a child's sense of belonging and private logic and the child's subsequent behavior. This private logic is how the child sees himself relating in the world with other children and other adults. The power adults have comes from choosing when to give adult attention to a child. Parents and teachers are typically so busy with keeping the family or the classroom afloat that they typically only give their attention when something goes wrong with a child. If things are going right, we all take it for granted that is should be that way and keep going, giving little or no "gold" to the child for behaving well.
Ignoring a child's misbehavior, where sensible, and immediately giving attention to the cessation of that misbehavior is a much wiser course of action for adults. Choosing to pay attention to predominantly constructive behaviors in a child shapes the child to believe that adult "gold" or attention is given only when he behaves well. Too often, we go unconscious when kids are behaving well. We expect that they should do what is expected of them and ignore a powerful opportunity to get more of that good behavior. However, as soon as a child behaves badly, it catches our attention and we react to it, giving away our "gold" to the child and cementing in a destructive private logic about how that child belongs with others. The overwhelming number of children who behave badly are not "bad" kids. They have simply been given lots of adults attention (at home and at school) for behaving badly (usually in the form of correction) and been given too little adult attention for behaving appropriately.
Guess who is responsible for giving away adult attention - the adult! Unfortunately, most adults are unaware of how much power they have in choosing when and where to give away their attention to children, especially to children who behave badly. We often feel like the child is making us give them our attention because we have to stop them from misbehaving. This is what causes adults to constantly correct misbehaving kids. If you pay close attention to the results of adults constantly correcting and reprimanding misbehaving children, you will see poor results with kids persisting in misbehaving even after they are corrected. It is because the adults have missed the point - the child wants your "gold", your attention, they care less about the reprimand. Adults delude themselves into thinking the reprimand is what is important. It isn't. It is all about the attention being given by the adult. Whatever behaviors you pay attention to with children, you will get more of those behaviors from them.
A School Example:
A child is calling out in class to answer questions and not following the guideline of raising hands to be called upon by the teacher. Reprimanding that child and correcting them for calling out is giving that behavior attention...albeit negative attention, but attention nonetheless. If the teacher were to discipline herself to let that one moment pass temporarily and as soon as the child stops calling out THEN give the child your attention by thanking him or her for stopping and getting quiet. Then invite the child to raise their hand and as soon as the child raises his hand - call on him and give him your "gold". Teachers correct the same interrupting children all day for calling out in class - correcting does not work. It simply gives endless attention to destructive behaviors and cements the child into a private logic engine that keeps pushing out more of the same behaviors in order to "belong" in the classroom. This goes on all for the sake of getting the teachers attention. Kids don't care if the attention comes in the form of a reprimand - they just want the teacher's "gold"! So knowing this, teachers need to exercise wisdom and help the child make the switch to more constructive behavior. The way a teacher helps the child make this switch to better behavior is to be conscious of how the teacher gives away their attention to the child.
Be wise and recognize the game being played so you can help your child to behave more constructively. You are in a tug of war over adult attention and, often, you are losing. If you start paying more attention to the child when he/she is behaving appropriately you will get more of that behavior at home and in school. Adults need to discipline themselves to decide when and where to give away the gold of their attention to children. If parents and teachers knew the stakes involved with giving away their gold, they would be more careful with it.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Why Do Kids Ignore What I Say?
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Kids often ignore what adults have to say. This causes parents and teachers to be frustrated. How do kids learn to ignore what adults say? We teach them to ignore us.
The way we teach them to ignore what we say is because our words are often empty. Words only carry power when they are backed up by action. How often have you heard yourself or another adult speaking to a child, issuing threats, hollering, pleading, asking repeatedly for the child to do something and getting nothing back from the child? This is because the child knows that your words mean nothing because there is no action backing them up.
Some examples....
A child is watching TV or playing video games and the parent is calling him or her to the table for dinner. "Turn off the TV and that video game, dinner is nearly ready." The child ignores the parent and continues to watch and play. The child has been through this routine many, many times and because the parent is busy preparing dinner their attention is divided. The child knows the parent is going to keep asking and the child is going to keep ignoring until the last minute when the parent finally gets exasperated, raises their voice and insists the child comes to the table NOW! That tone of voice and the parents stopping what they are doing and standing still near the child communicates....I mean business!! Now the child realizes the words mean something and he or she comes to dinner.
There is another way to handle this situation and give your words meaning and value. The key here is to make what you say the first time have meaning and value so the child listens to you THE FIRST TIME you speak to them. In order to accomplish this goal you have to discipline YOURSELF and not allow your attention to be divided. When you want the child to turn off the TV/video game, stop what you are doing. Don't call out to the child to do something from another room. Go into the room with the TV and stand in front of it and tell the child it is time to come to the table for dinner and turn off the TV. Stand there and wait. If the child does not get up - then ACT on your words and turn off the TV/video game yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. When your actions are in alignment with your words, your words take on real meaning to the child.
The same thing is true in the classroom. Teachers are incredibly busy and often very distracted by having to manage many kids at one time and teach content to them all at the same time. So teachers deal with having their attention divided in the classroom all day long and it is a challenge to manage it. However, if teachers get into the habit of speaking to children with divided attention and not backing up their words with actions - those teachers are effectively training their students to ignore them. If a child in a third grade classroom is wandering around the room and not focusing on his or her work, the teacher is well served to stop what she is doing and deal with redirecting this child immediately. Then later when this behavior happens again and the teacher speaks to the child, the child knows the teachers words mean business.
I know how busy a classroom full of kids can become. However, if you are dealing with a chronically misbehaving child and want to really help the situation improve, you must discipline yourself to not respond to this child with divided attention. It may seems like a lot of work to do this but doing a half way job with disciplining such a child becomes more work in the long run.
The goal here is for parents and teachers to learn how to give meaning to their words by backing them up with actions so children learn to value what you say. It sounds so simple yet it requires such self-discipline from the adult. When you act in alignment with what you say, you will teach children that your words have real meaning and they learn to respect what you say.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Kids often ignore what adults have to say. This causes parents and teachers to be frustrated. How do kids learn to ignore what adults say? We teach them to ignore us.
The way we teach them to ignore what we say is because our words are often empty. Words only carry power when they are backed up by action. How often have you heard yourself or another adult speaking to a child, issuing threats, hollering, pleading, asking repeatedly for the child to do something and getting nothing back from the child? This is because the child knows that your words mean nothing because there is no action backing them up.
Some examples....
A child is watching TV or playing video games and the parent is calling him or her to the table for dinner. "Turn off the TV and that video game, dinner is nearly ready." The child ignores the parent and continues to watch and play. The child has been through this routine many, many times and because the parent is busy preparing dinner their attention is divided. The child knows the parent is going to keep asking and the child is going to keep ignoring until the last minute when the parent finally gets exasperated, raises their voice and insists the child comes to the table NOW! That tone of voice and the parents stopping what they are doing and standing still near the child communicates....I mean business!! Now the child realizes the words mean something and he or she comes to dinner.
There is another way to handle this situation and give your words meaning and value. The key here is to make what you say the first time have meaning and value so the child listens to you THE FIRST TIME you speak to them. In order to accomplish this goal you have to discipline YOURSELF and not allow your attention to be divided. When you want the child to turn off the TV/video game, stop what you are doing. Don't call out to the child to do something from another room. Go into the room with the TV and stand in front of it and tell the child it is time to come to the table for dinner and turn off the TV. Stand there and wait. If the child does not get up - then ACT on your words and turn off the TV/video game yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. When your actions are in alignment with your words, your words take on real meaning to the child.
The same thing is true in the classroom. Teachers are incredibly busy and often very distracted by having to manage many kids at one time and teach content to them all at the same time. So teachers deal with having their attention divided in the classroom all day long and it is a challenge to manage it. However, if teachers get into the habit of speaking to children with divided attention and not backing up their words with actions - those teachers are effectively training their students to ignore them. If a child in a third grade classroom is wandering around the room and not focusing on his or her work, the teacher is well served to stop what she is doing and deal with redirecting this child immediately. Then later when this behavior happens again and the teacher speaks to the child, the child knows the teachers words mean business.
I know how busy a classroom full of kids can become. However, if you are dealing with a chronically misbehaving child and want to really help the situation improve, you must discipline yourself to not respond to this child with divided attention. It may seems like a lot of work to do this but doing a half way job with disciplining such a child becomes more work in the long run.
The goal here is for parents and teachers to learn how to give meaning to their words by backing them up with actions so children learn to value what you say. It sounds so simple yet it requires such self-discipline from the adult. When you act in alignment with what you say, you will teach children that your words have real meaning and they learn to respect what you say.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Friday, July 29, 2011
Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 2
Please read Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1 to refresh those thoughts just prior to reading this posting.
Children behave the way they do because the well meaning, distracted, and unskilled adults in their lives have helped them create a private logic that unwittingly encourages them to behave that way. The reason certain children act cooperatively and promptly while other children delay and cry is because adults have given their attention to those children whenever they behaved in those ways. What the adult pays attention to is what the child repeats. What the child repeats is what constitutes the framework for that child's private logic. And a child's private logic is the "ticket" that makes them feel they belong to social groups, families, and communities. Belonging and private logic are strong forces on children because they are linked to giving children a very precious commodity that they desperately seek - adult attention!
Clearly then, it is important for teachers and parents to understand this important and basic principle of behavior management - we get the behaviors from children that we pay the most attention to. If you pay more attention to the delaying tactics, the tears, the distractions, the constant requests for more things to do, etc. - then you will get more of that type of behavior from the child, because that is what you are paying attention to and thereby strengthening such a private logic in the child.
Private logic and belonging are built on adult attention. The dilemma for well intentioned but unskilled parents and teachers is that they are so busy their attention is divided. Misbehaving children feed on the fact that adult attention is often divided and they catch us off guard. In fact, chronically misbehaving children tend to run the household or the classroom to the dismay and frustration of parents and teachers even though these children are constantly being corrected and often punished for their behavior. What we do not recognize is that all of that correcting and punishing is interpreted by the child as "attention" and "belonging" and that is really all they want from us. Have you ever wondered why children who are punished and corrected do not change their behavior? It is because they stopped caring about the correcting and the punishing; they care more about getting your attention. They will take the punishing and hollering if they can just get the attention they need and want from adults. All that children want is to "belong;" if they have to belong by being "bad," "destructive," and "disruptive" they will do it.
That is why when you correct a child with a destructive private logic you can correct them, reprimand them, and punish them repeatedly but their behavior never really changes. In fact, their behavior typically becomes more entrenched like cement. If you want to change this behavior in a child, you need to understand the dynamic of private logic, the engine that is producing the misbehavior, and start changing how YOU behave.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Children behave the way they do because the well meaning, distracted, and unskilled adults in their lives have helped them create a private logic that unwittingly encourages them to behave that way. The reason certain children act cooperatively and promptly while other children delay and cry is because adults have given their attention to those children whenever they behaved in those ways. What the adult pays attention to is what the child repeats. What the child repeats is what constitutes the framework for that child's private logic. And a child's private logic is the "ticket" that makes them feel they belong to social groups, families, and communities. Belonging and private logic are strong forces on children because they are linked to giving children a very precious commodity that they desperately seek - adult attention!
Clearly then, it is important for teachers and parents to understand this important and basic principle of behavior management - we get the behaviors from children that we pay the most attention to. If you pay more attention to the delaying tactics, the tears, the distractions, the constant requests for more things to do, etc. - then you will get more of that type of behavior from the child, because that is what you are paying attention to and thereby strengthening such a private logic in the child.
Private logic and belonging are built on adult attention. The dilemma for well intentioned but unskilled parents and teachers is that they are so busy their attention is divided. Misbehaving children feed on the fact that adult attention is often divided and they catch us off guard. In fact, chronically misbehaving children tend to run the household or the classroom to the dismay and frustration of parents and teachers even though these children are constantly being corrected and often punished for their behavior. What we do not recognize is that all of that correcting and punishing is interpreted by the child as "attention" and "belonging" and that is really all they want from us. Have you ever wondered why children who are punished and corrected do not change their behavior? It is because they stopped caring about the correcting and the punishing; they care more about getting your attention. They will take the punishing and hollering if they can just get the attention they need and want from adults. All that children want is to "belong;" if they have to belong by being "bad," "destructive," and "disruptive" they will do it.
That is why when you correct a child with a destructive private logic you can correct them, reprimand them, and punish them repeatedly but their behavior never really changes. In fact, their behavior typically becomes more entrenched like cement. If you want to change this behavior in a child, you need to understand the dynamic of private logic, the engine that is producing the misbehavior, and start changing how YOU behave.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Private Logic....The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1
Have you ever wondered why children who misbehave do not change their habitually difficult behaviors even after they have been scolded, reprimanded and punished? The reason has to do with something called Private Logic.
Children want to belong with others socially. It is a strong force that propels them to act the way they do. In fact, it is a strong underlying force explaining why all people act the way they do. For children, this drive to belong is like a network of accumulated responses they have received from adults to everything they have done over time. Each individual adult's response to their behaviors in and of itself may not amount to very much, but the cumulative effect of all of these responses over time adds up to the creation of their private logic. Private logic is the filter through which we see ourselves belonging with others in the world. Some children have a constructive type of private logic and some children have a destructive type of private logic. Constructive private logic leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are acceptable. Destructive private logic also leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are unacceptable. Kids often get stuck in their destructive private logic and do not know how to get out of it. In fact, everything they do seems to keep them stuck in it.
When children are told to put their toys away and they delay and ignore that adult direction, they observe what the adults do or do not do in response to them. Sometimes well meaning adults repeat to a child 4 or 5 times to put their toys away while the adult is busily doing something else in another room. The child slowly learns that the adult does not mean what they say. Then the adult raises their voice and really shows they are upset and angry at the child for refusing to do what they have been told to do. That angry tone of voice communicates that the adult now means what they say and is giving the child their full attention. Once the adult gives their full attention to this destructive behavior (and the private logic that sits underneath it) the child may finally pick up their toys. However, the real danger is that the child cements even further inside of themselves this type of private logic and that they will only get attention by doing acting "destructively."
A pattern is being built here, unknowingly, inside the child about how to behave in order to get adult attention. These kinds of interactions accumulate over time and puts in place one little piece of a larger, growing puzzle that constitutes a child's private logic. Another piece of logic may get created for the child when they are told to get ready for bed. The child delays and delays, playing and distracting themselves from doing what they need to do to comply with the adult. After much delay and game playing, the adult finally gets angry and communicates their upset and their clear intention and full attention for the child to go to bed. Tears may ensue and the whole ordeal of going to bed is upsetting for both the child and the parent. What is really happening here is the creation of a private logic in the child that slowly, over time, propels the child to respond only to negative attention. The creation of this private logic is insidious, slow, and builds over time, but none-the-less it definitely becomes a powerful engine that produces misbehavior.
Part 2 of Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior will be the next posting on this blog.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Children want to belong with others socially. It is a strong force that propels them to act the way they do. In fact, it is a strong underlying force explaining why all people act the way they do. For children, this drive to belong is like a network of accumulated responses they have received from adults to everything they have done over time. Each individual adult's response to their behaviors in and of itself may not amount to very much, but the cumulative effect of all of these responses over time adds up to the creation of their private logic. Private logic is the filter through which we see ourselves belonging with others in the world. Some children have a constructive type of private logic and some children have a destructive type of private logic. Constructive private logic leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are acceptable. Destructive private logic also leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are unacceptable. Kids often get stuck in their destructive private logic and do not know how to get out of it. In fact, everything they do seems to keep them stuck in it.
When children are told to put their toys away and they delay and ignore that adult direction, they observe what the adults do or do not do in response to them. Sometimes well meaning adults repeat to a child 4 or 5 times to put their toys away while the adult is busily doing something else in another room. The child slowly learns that the adult does not mean what they say. Then the adult raises their voice and really shows they are upset and angry at the child for refusing to do what they have been told to do. That angry tone of voice communicates that the adult now means what they say and is giving the child their full attention. Once the adult gives their full attention to this destructive behavior (and the private logic that sits underneath it) the child may finally pick up their toys. However, the real danger is that the child cements even further inside of themselves this type of private logic and that they will only get attention by doing acting "destructively."
A pattern is being built here, unknowingly, inside the child about how to behave in order to get adult attention. These kinds of interactions accumulate over time and puts in place one little piece of a larger, growing puzzle that constitutes a child's private logic. Another piece of logic may get created for the child when they are told to get ready for bed. The child delays and delays, playing and distracting themselves from doing what they need to do to comply with the adult. After much delay and game playing, the adult finally gets angry and communicates their upset and their clear intention and full attention for the child to go to bed. Tears may ensue and the whole ordeal of going to bed is upsetting for both the child and the parent. What is really happening here is the creation of a private logic in the child that slowly, over time, propels the child to respond only to negative attention. The creation of this private logic is insidious, slow, and builds over time, but none-the-less it definitely becomes a powerful engine that produces misbehavior.
Part 2 of Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior will be the next posting on this blog.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
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