Goals of Misbehavior, Part 1

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There is a reason kids behave the way they do.  It is more than just being bad and disruptive.  There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).

One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior.  There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children.  The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior.  This usually starts when a child is very young.  The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.).  Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her.  Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again.  The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention.  If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it.  The need for adult attention in children is very strong.

Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship.  Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse.  Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire.  So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult.  This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc.  Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?"  This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way"  or "in our house you do not behave this way".  When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands.  Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve.  The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages.  This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.

When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages.  Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!

The third goal is REVENGE.  This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life.  It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child.  To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them.  It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back!  Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel.  Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her.  Now the child is fluent in three types of  misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge.  He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave.  Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.

The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY.  This is not to be confused with a learning disability.  In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others.  This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior.  Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him.  He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially.  He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others.  He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.

This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior.  It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it.  Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults.  Stay Tuned!  In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them.  Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose.  The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way.  They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it.  Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.

Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou