The Tug of War Over Adult Attention

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Children are in a constant tug of war with adults to get attention.  Children don't really care how they get your attention - they just want it.  They need it.  Adult attention confirms for children that they belong with you.  Belonging is crucial for children to feel part of a social group, whether it is in the family or in the classroom.  Belonging is how children develop their "private logic" (see a prior posting on Private Logic).  Belonging and Private logic are what drives children to behave either constructively or destructively.

Parents and teachers would benefit from learning how to use this constant tug of war for adult attention to the benefit of the child and help him or her move in the direction of getting attention for behaving constructively.  What parents and teachers often do not understand is that despite how destructively the child bids for attention, the adult is in control of when and how they give their attention.  Too often adults give their attention away to a child mostly when the child is behaving badly.  Adult attention is like gold.  If you give it to a child when he or she is behaving badly you are paying him/her your gold to keep behaving badly.  This is a mistake that could be avoided!

Adults have so much power to influence a child's sense of belonging and private logic and the child's subsequent behavior.  This private logic is how the child sees himself relating in the world with other children and other adults.  The power adults have comes from choosing when to give adult attention to a child.  Parents and teachers are typically so busy with keeping the family or the classroom afloat that they typically only give their attention when something goes wrong with a child.  If things are going right, we all take it for granted that is should be that way and keep going, giving little or no "gold" to the child for behaving well.

Ignoring a child's misbehavior, where sensible, and immediately giving attention to the cessation of that misbehavior is a much wiser course of action for adults.  Choosing to pay attention to predominantly constructive behaviors in a child shapes the child to believe that adult "gold" or attention is given only when he behaves well.  Too often, we go unconscious when kids are behaving well.  We expect that they should do what is expected of them and ignore a powerful opportunity to get more of that good behavior.  However, as soon as a child behaves badly, it catches our attention and we react to it, giving away our "gold" to the child and cementing in a destructive private logic about how that child belongs with others.  The overwhelming number of children who behave badly are not "bad" kids.  They have simply been given lots of adults attention (at home and at school) for behaving badly (usually in the form of correction) and been given too little adult attention for behaving appropriately.

Guess who is responsible for giving away adult attention  - the adult!  Unfortunately, most adults are unaware of how much power they have in choosing when and where to give away their attention to children, especially to children who behave badly.  We often feel like the child is making us give them our attention because we have to stop them from misbehaving.  This is what causes adults to constantly correct misbehaving kids.  If you pay close attention to the results of adults constantly correcting and reprimanding misbehaving children, you will see poor results with kids persisting in misbehaving even after they are corrected.    It is because the adults have missed the point - the child wants your "gold", your attention, they care less about the reprimand.  Adults delude themselves into thinking the reprimand is what is important.  It isn't.  It is all about the attention being given by the adult.  Whatever behaviors you pay attention to with children, you will get more of those behaviors from them.

A School Example:
A child is calling out in class to answer questions and not following the guideline of raising hands to be called upon by the teacher.  Reprimanding that child and correcting them for calling out is giving that behavior attention...albeit negative attention, but attention nonetheless.  If the teacher were to discipline herself to let that one moment pass temporarily and as soon as the child stops calling out THEN give the child your attention by thanking him or her for stopping and getting quiet.  Then invite the child to raise their hand and as soon as the child raises his hand - call on him and give him your "gold".  Teachers correct the same interrupting children all day for calling out in class - correcting does not work.  It simply gives endless attention to destructive behaviors and cements the child into a private logic engine that keeps pushing out more of the same behaviors in order to "belong" in the classroom.  This goes on all for the sake of getting the teachers attention.  Kids don't care if the attention comes in the form of a reprimand - they just want the teacher's "gold"!  So knowing this, teachers need to exercise wisdom and help the child make the switch to more constructive behavior.  The way a teacher helps the child make this switch to better behavior is to be conscious of how the teacher gives away their attention to the child.

Be wise and recognize the game being played so you can help your child to behave more constructively. You are in a tug of war over adult attention and, often, you are losing.  If you start paying more attention to the child when he/she is behaving appropriately you will get more of that behavior at home and in school.  Adults need to discipline themselves to decide when and where to give away the gold of their attention to children.  If parents and teachers knew the stakes involved with giving away their gold, they would be more careful with it.

Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou