Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 2

Please read Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1 to refresh those thoughts just prior to reading this posting.

Children behave the way they do because the well meaning, distracted, and unskilled adults in their lives have helped them create a private logic that unwittingly encourages them to behave that way.  The reason certain children act cooperatively and promptly while other children delay and cry is because adults have given their attention to those children whenever they behaved in those ways. What the adult pays attention to is what the child repeats. What the child repeats is what constitutes the framework for that child's private logic. And a child's private logic is the "ticket" that makes them feel they belong to social groups, families, and communities. Belonging and private logic are strong forces on children because they are linked to giving children a very precious commodity that they desperately seek - adult attention!

Clearly then, it is important for teachers and parents to understand this important and basic principle of behavior management  - we get the behaviors from children that we pay the most attention to. If you pay more attention to the delaying tactics, the tears, the distractions, the constant requests for more things to do, etc. - then you will get more of that type of behavior from the child, because that is what you are paying attention to and thereby strengthening such a private logic in the child.

Private logic and belonging are built on adult attention.  The dilemma for well intentioned but unskilled parents and teachers is that they are so busy their attention is divided.  Misbehaving children feed on the fact that adult attention is often divided and they catch us off guard.  In fact, chronically misbehaving children tend to run the household or the classroom to the dismay and frustration of parents and teachers even though these children are constantly being corrected and often punished for their behavior.  What we do not recognize is that all of that correcting and punishing is interpreted by the child as "attention" and "belonging" and that is really all they want from us.  Have you ever wondered why children who are punished and corrected do not change their behavior?  It is because they stopped caring about the correcting and the punishing; they care more about getting your attention.  They will take the punishing and hollering if they can just get the attention they need and want from adults.  All that children want is to "belong;" if they have to belong by being "bad," "destructive," and "disruptive" they will do it.

That is why when you correct a child with a destructive private logic you can correct them, reprimand them, and punish them repeatedly but their behavior never really changes.  In fact, their behavior typically becomes more entrenched like cement.  If you want to change this behavior in a child, you need to understand the dynamic of private logic, the engine that is producing the misbehavior, and start changing how YOU behave.

Remember...

Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou