Time Out....For Adults!

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When adults model the proper behavior and emotional responses to situations it is important for children to witness it in action.  Children need good models to see how to handle situations responsibly.  By contrast, poor adult models also instruct children how to behave and can have a destructive impact on children.  Adults are powerful models for children, even when they are not intending to be one.  Children are ALWAYS watching us to see how we respond and learning what to do in a variety of social situations.  As parents and teachers, we often forget that children are watching EVERYTHING we do and say and it is being recorded in some way for the child as a model of how to behave.  This why television, films, video games and the overwhelming violence and destructive behaviors being modeled in all types of media are worrisome to those of us who understand the power of models in children's lives.

When a parent or teacher is dealing with a difficult misbehavior situation involving a child and the adult is upset, angry or frustrated with the child it is the perfect moment to model how to constructively handle feelings like this for the child.  Often, adults spiral out of control when they feel this way.  We rant and rave in front of the child and end up "putting on an emotional show" (from the point of view of the child) that is entertaining for the child and a poor model of how to handle these kinds of feelings.

Another approach is to use "time out"... not for the child but for the adult!  Adults put children into "time out" all of the time.  The more powerful use of time out is to model it for the child and use it on yourself.  When you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated with the behavior of a child or group of children, tell them how you are feeling and tell them that you are taking a time out.  Tell them you do not want them to speak to you and you are not talking, you need to be alone for a few minutes because you are so upset you need to get back into balance before you do anything else.  You don't just take the time out, you actually explain how you are feeling and what you need to handle yourself better.  You model and teach a child that having out of balance feelings is normal and this how you handle it when it happens.  You don't scream, and throw objects, you don't grab the child and lecture at them, you don't do things or say things that you later regret - you take time out and collect yourself.  This is modeling a healthy emotional IQ for a child.  Often, children who misbehave a lot have a low emotional IQ.  They are not aware of their feelings, they are often overwhelmed by their own feelings and act on impulse - a lot!  They act first and think later.  We are always telling these types of children in schools that they need more "self-control"!  How does a child learn self-control?  They need to see it modeled in order to learn it.  When adults act impulsively and are out of control around misbehaving children it is a poor combination because the adult is not providing a proper model for how to handle feelings that can grab a hold of us and make us do things we regret.

Adult time out teaches children that everyone gets these feelings from time to time and the way to handle them is to take a break, slow down, be alone and compose yourself.  So, I advise parents and teachers to buy a simple kitchen timer and set it for 5+/- minutes and just be alone.  Don't answer your phone, don't respond to questions from kids who keep asking you things.  Be with yourself in front of children and show them what time out looks like.  Then when the child is upset, angry and frustrated and you need to give him a time out, he can accept it better.  He has seen you do it and he understands what it is and where it is coming from.  Children come to learn that everyone, including parents and teachers, get out of balance and need to find a way to get back in balance in order to relate better to other people. 

Imagine if children grew up in a world where "time out" allowed all of us to regain our perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed.  We might actually raise children in our homes and our schools to become less impulsive, emotionally more mature and self disciplined.

Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou