If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
No comments:
Post a Comment