Private Logic....The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1

Have you ever wondered why children who misbehave do not change their habitually difficult behaviors even after they have been scolded, reprimanded and punished?  The reason has to do with something called Private Logic.

Children want to belong with others socially.  It is a strong force that propels them to act the way they do.  In fact, it is a strong underlying force explaining why all people act the way they do.  For children, this drive to belong is like a network of accumulated responses they have received from adults to everything they have done over time.  Each individual adult's response to their behaviors in and of itself may not amount to very much, but the cumulative effect of all of these responses over time adds up to the creation of their private logic. Private logic is the filter through which we see ourselves belonging with others in the world.  Some children have a constructive type of private logic and some children have a destructive type of private logic.  Constructive private logic leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are acceptable.  Destructive private logic also leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are unacceptable.  Kids often get stuck in their destructive private logic and do not know how to get out of it.  In fact, everything they do seems to keep them stuck in it.

When children are told to put their toys away and they delay and ignore that adult direction, they observe what the adults do or do not do in response to them.  Sometimes well meaning adults repeat to a child 4 or 5 times to put their toys away while the adult is busily doing something else in another room.  The child slowly learns that the adult does not mean what they say.  Then the adult raises their voice and really shows they are upset and angry at the child for refusing to do what they have been told to do.  That angry tone of voice communicates that the adult now means what they say and is giving the child their full attention.  Once the adult gives their full attention to this destructive behavior (and the private logic that sits underneath it) the child may finally pick up their toys.  However, the real danger is that the child cements even further inside of themselves this type of private logic and that they will only get attention by doing acting "destructively."

A pattern is being built here, unknowingly,  inside the child about how to behave in order to get adult attention.  These kinds of interactions accumulate over time and puts in place one little piece of a larger, growing puzzle that constitutes a child's private logic.  Another piece of logic may get created for the child when they are told to get ready for bed.  The child delays and delays, playing and distracting themselves from doing what they need to do to comply with the adult.  After much delay and game playing, the adult finally gets angry and communicates their upset and their clear intention and full attention for the child to go to bed.  Tears may ensue and the whole ordeal of going to bed is upsetting for both the child and the parent.  What is really happening here is the creation of a private logic in the child that slowly, over time, propels the child to respond only to negative attention.  The creation of this private logic is insidious, slow, and builds over time, but none-the-less it definitely becomes a powerful engine that produces misbehavior.

Part 2 of Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior will be the next posting on this blog.

Remember...

Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou