Managing Kids When They Argue

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 When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened.  Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings!  It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage.  It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it.   Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!

The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings.  If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say.  Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step:  Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.

The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak.  When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted.  So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted.  The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker.  This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn.  Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story.  The first child now listens quietly and practices patience.  Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.


The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions.  You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting.  Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time.  If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before.  I reflect again  that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt.  I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad.  Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down.  Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit.  The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step:  Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.

Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline.   Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth.  Stop it.  Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen.  Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted.  Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time.  Send them off to be alone for a bit.

Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou