Goals of Misbehavior, Part 5 - Assumed Disability

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When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way.  It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU.  The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!

The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.

The fourth and final item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.  

Constructive Behavior      |           Destructive Behavior         |
                                            |                                                         |
                                            |                                                         |
                                            |                                                         |   Active
                                            |                                                         |
____________________________________________________________
                                            |                                                         |
                                            |                                                         |   Passive
                                            |                                                         |
                                            |                                                         |
                                            |                                                         |
_____________________________________________________________

Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home.  It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.

Destructive behavior is what we dislike.  It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.

Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition.  They have courage to act out their behavior.  Active is neither constructive or destructive.  It is simply courageous.  This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.

Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition.  The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.

The first thing to note about the child stuck in Assumed Disability misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it nor is there an active form of it - it is entirely passive/destructive. This child has gone through all of the three prior goals of misbehavior to get here.  This child has used Attention Getting, Power and Revenge at some point and abandoned each one for the next.  Earlier in this child's life, he or she wanted attention from others and tried to get it - albeit not successfully.  Then there were attempts at getting Control and Power but those efforts failed.  When a child attempts to be powerful and in control and fails, it leads to feelings of hurt and a desire to "get back" at others for feeling hurt.
The final step in this process is to abandon connecting socially with others.  When a child is hurt and is low on courage this leads to disconnecting from others and becoming isolated.  When a child disconnects socially and is carrying around baggage of wanting attention, wanting power and control and wanting to hurt back but all of these efforts are thwarted - it leads to serious inner contraction away from other people.

The passive destructive Assumed Disability child has a flat affect in school.  He or she has few, if any, friends.  The child makes no effort to "be" a friend and appears inept at it.  This child does little or no school work, despite encouragement and help from teachers and peers.  Low self-confidence is an indicator for this child but there is so much more going on for this child than low self-confidence.  This child is completely discouraged and cut off socially from connecting with others.  Despair is a strong word but it may describe the inner landscape of feelings for this child.  When a child has reached this level of misbehavior, professional intervention is warranted.  Teachers are often at their wits end trying to help this child.  They do so little work and give no emotional responses to correction.  Threatening this child with failure because they do no work is pointless.  He or she shows no reaction to these threats.  The flat line of no emotional reaction is telling and speaks volumes to how much this child is hurt and lonely.  Every effort needs to be made to give this child encouragement despite getting nothing back in return.  Adults who work with this child must be consistently encouraging and accepting of the tiniest, most insignificant movement in the direction of social participation and doing academic work.  This child feels unnoticed, powerless and hurt and they are abandoning the social world of other people to cope with these overwhelming feelings as they pull deeper within themselves.

Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou