Putting Out the Fire of Misbehavior...Reflect Feelings

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I suggest you read the last posting on Kids with Matches and Adults Holding the Gasoline prior to reading this posting.  Kids who misbehave are holding emotional matches in the classroom and at home.  They strike these matches (usually with their words of defiance and disrespect or non compliance.  We adults walk around with a backpack of gasoline (our words!) and can turn a misbehaving child's match into a fire easily.  If you understand what is happening you can change it.


Adults have a powerful, helpful and constructive tool to use instead of words that erupt like gasoline on a match.  We can learn how to soothe and calm an upset child by reflecting feelings.  Reflecting feelings is telling the child you know how they feel when they are upset, mad, lonely, disappointed, stuck, etc, etc, etc.  When a child is feeling upset and/or angry he or she often has no label for the feeling.  The child is almost at the mercy of these strong feelings that overtake them.  Combine these strong feelings with the natural immaturity of a child and you get....rude and disrespectful misbehavior that expresses itself on impulse.
Anyone who is raising children at home or teaching them in a classroom knows what it is like to live with an impulsive, misbehaving child who is throwing around his/her feelings on a whim.  It is not fun.  They often catch us off guard and we react negatively to what they are saying and/or doing.  I want to suggest another approach.


Instead of reacting to the child's impulsive feelings and actions (and throwing gasoline on that lit match!).....slow down and listen to the child carefully.  In fact, listen beyond the words they are speaking and the awful tone that they are putting out.  Ignore that stuff.  It is all unimportant at the moment.  Instead, learn to listen behind the words and their disrespectful tone, listen to the feelings they are desperately and unskillfully trying to communicate to you.  
When a child says: "I hate you."  
He is really saying: "I am so mad, I don't know what to do about it."  

When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
He is really saying: "This is frustrating for me."


When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
He is really saying: "This is unfair to me."


If you can learn how to listen for the message of the feelings underneath the rude words and disrespectful tone of an angry, misbehaving child, you can begin to help the child learn how he really feels and take better control of himself.  That happens when an adult listens differently to the child and ignores the rudeness and disrespect and listens for the true feeling trying to get out.  When you are able to hear the true feeling trying to get out behind all of that bluster, and you tell it back to the child with a helpful tone, it calms them down.


When a child says: "I hate you."  
You reflect by saying: "You are really mad at me right now."

When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment." 
You reflect his feelings by saying: "You feel frustrated with this work." 

When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "This feels unfair to you."  

The power of reflection comes from listening carefully and attentively to the child and giving that feeling back to them.  Children who chronically misbehave tend to have a low emotional IQ.  They are impulsive and are not in touch with how they feel.  They tend to hit, punch, call out, etc when they feel something strongly.  There is no gap for them between when they feel something and how they act.  Self-disciplined children have some time delay, some gap between feeling something and acting on it.  They have a higher emotional IQ.  The way to raise a child's emotional IQ is to be around adults who have a higher emotional IQ than they do.  YOU have to be the one to help the child recognize how they feel.  In order to do this, you need to set aside the temptation to react to what they are saying, how they are saying it and the tone they are using with you.  I know!  This is hard.
But it is what is needed if you are genuinely going to help the child calm their anger, and deal with their upset.
Reflecting feelings is an important first step in blowing out the match misbehaving kids are striking at home and in the classroom.  Start practicing by listening to other children in stores and with their teachers and parents - but not with you.  See if you can hear the true feelings they are trying to express (albeit ineptly).  When you can start hearing those authentic feelings in other people's kids, you can start listening for it with your own kids at home or in your classroom.  Start listening with a more refined and attuned ear to children in distress.
When you become fluent in the art and skill of reflecting feelings you will know how to blow out the lit match of misbehavior and help children calm down when they are upset and angry.  THAT is an invaluable skill in raising self-disciplined kids. 


Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou