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There is a reason kids behave the way they do. It is more than just being bad and disruptive. There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).
One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior. There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children. The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior. This usually starts when a child is very young. The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.). Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her. Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again. The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention. If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it. The need for adult attention in children is very strong.
Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship. Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse. Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire. So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult. This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc. Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?" This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way" or "in our house you do not behave this way". When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands. Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve. The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages. This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.
When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages. Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!
The third goal is REVENGE. This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life. It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child. To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them. It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back! Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel. Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her. Now the child is fluent in three types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge. He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave. Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.
The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY. This is not to be confused with a learning disability. In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others. This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior. Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him. He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially. He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others. He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.
This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior. It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it. Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults. Stay Tuned! In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them. Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose. The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way. They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it. Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Managing Kids When They Argue
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When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How To Tell Kids You Are Upset, Angry and Frustrated
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The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
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