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I suggest you read the last posting on Kids with Matches and Adults Holding the Gasoline prior to reading this posting. Kids who misbehave are holding emotional matches in the classroom and at home. They strike these matches (usually with their words of defiance and disrespect or non compliance. We adults walk around with a backpack of gasoline (our words!) and can turn a misbehaving child's match into a fire easily. If you understand what is happening you can change it.
Adults have a powerful, helpful and constructive tool to use instead of words that erupt like gasoline on a match. We can learn how to soothe and calm an upset child by reflecting feelings. Reflecting feelings is telling the child you know how they feel when they are upset, mad, lonely, disappointed, stuck, etc, etc, etc. When a child is feeling upset and/or angry he or she often has no label for the feeling. The child is almost at the mercy of these strong feelings that overtake them. Combine these strong feelings with the natural immaturity of a child and you get....rude and disrespectful misbehavior that expresses itself on impulse.
Anyone who is raising children at home or teaching them in a classroom knows what it is like to live with an impulsive, misbehaving child who is throwing around his/her feelings on a whim. It is not fun. They often catch us off guard and we react negatively to what they are saying and/or doing. I want to suggest another approach.
Instead of reacting to the child's impulsive feelings and actions (and throwing gasoline on that lit match!).....slow down and listen to the child carefully. In fact, listen beyond the words they are speaking and the awful tone that they are putting out. Ignore that stuff. It is all unimportant at the moment. Instead, learn to listen behind the words and their disrespectful tone, listen to the feelings they are desperately and unskillfully trying to communicate to you.
When a child says: "I hate you."
He is really saying: "I am so mad, I don't know what to do about it."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
He is really saying: "This is frustrating for me."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
He is really saying: "This is unfair to me."
If you can learn how to listen for the message of the feelings underneath the rude words and disrespectful tone of an angry, misbehaving child, you can begin to help the child learn how he really feels and take better control of himself. That happens when an adult listens differently to the child and ignores the rudeness and disrespect and listens for the true feeling trying to get out. When you are able to hear the true feeling trying to get out behind all of that bluster, and you tell it back to the child with a helpful tone, it calms them down.
When a child says: "I hate you."
You reflect by saying: "You are really mad at me right now."
When a child says: "I hate math and I am not doing this stupid assignment."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "You feel frustrated with this work."
When a child says: "I always get blamed for everything."
You reflect his feelings by saying: "This feels unfair to you."
The power of reflection comes from listening carefully and attentively to the child and giving that feeling back to them. Children who chronically misbehave tend to have a low emotional IQ. They are impulsive and are not in touch with how they feel. They tend to hit, punch, call out, etc when they feel something strongly. There is no gap for them between when they feel something and how they act. Self-disciplined children have some time delay, some gap between feeling something and acting on it. They have a higher emotional IQ. The way to raise a child's emotional IQ is to be around adults who have a higher emotional IQ than they do. YOU have to be the one to help the child recognize how they feel. In order to do this, you need to set aside the temptation to react to what they are saying, how they are saying it and the tone they are using with you. I know! This is hard.
But it is what is needed if you are genuinely going to help the child calm their anger, and deal with their upset.
Reflecting feelings is an important first step in blowing out the match misbehaving kids are striking at home and in the classroom. Start practicing by listening to other children in stores and with their teachers and parents - but not with you. See if you can hear the true feelings they are trying to express (albeit ineptly). When you can start hearing those authentic feelings in other people's kids, you can start listening for it with your own kids at home or in your classroom. Start listening with a more refined and attuned ear to children in distress.
When you become fluent in the art and skill of reflecting feelings you will know how to blow out the lit match of misbehavior and help children calm down when they are upset and angry. THAT is an invaluable skill in raising self-disciplined kids.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Misbehaving Kids Playing with Matches.....Adults Hold the Gasoline!
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Misbehaving kids are like someone playing with matches in the hopes of starting a fire and seeing what happens next! Most kids have no idea where their misbehavior will lead them. They jump in feet first (usually mouth first!) and then watch to see what happens as a result. Think of the classroom as a place where misbehaving kids sit and light matches through the day, waiting to see if the teacher will catch fire and cause a rumpus. Think of teachers (and parents) as carrying around a back pack of gasoline. The hose used to deliver the gasoline is our adult mouths and the words that we use back to kids when they strike their matches (being rude, disrespectful or non-compliant). Look out!
We cannot control kids striking matches. But we can control the gasoline we carry around on our backs and how we use our mouths when talking back to misbehaving kids. I spend a lot of my time coaching teachers and parents to stop pouring gasoline on a match! It only blows up in your face.
The key to managing misbehaving kids is to learn how to blow out the match not pour gasoline on it.
This requires self-discipline on the part of the adult. When a child is being rude, disrespectful and belligerent it is so difficult to keep your composure and not strike back, especially with your words. But this is what is required if we are going to help misbehaving kids learn to change their behavior from destructive to constructive. Often teachers and parents feel it is unfair that they are ones who have to exercise self-discipline first in the face of an undisciplined child. I get it. I agree. But unfortunately, it is the way it is. If the child was more self-disciplined he or she wouldn't be misbehaving in the first place!
In the moment when the child is misbehaving he or she needs the teacher or parent to exercise good judgement, self-discipline and self-control. There is short lived satisfaction in striking back at a difficult child with sarcasm or reprimands. The long term benefit and the enduring change that comes for a misbehaving child is when the adult holds their fire and tries to help the kid out of the mess they have created. This is why adults (parents and teachers) are so valuable in the lives of children. We anchor for them stability and self-discipline when they do not have it for themselves. Imagine a child whose life is full of mistakes, rudeness, misbehavior and defiance and they have no one who is holding steady for them and helping them learn how to be self-disciplined? It is a sink hole with no escape.
The next time you are with a child who is lighting matches of misbehavior - you be the one who holds your fire, does not pour more gasoline on their match, but instead learns how to blow out the match.
If that is the case....then what do you say to a misbehaving kid that blows out the match they lit?
Stay tuned to a future blog for that technique! In the meantime start watching and observing this dynamic of kids lighting matches and adults pouring gasoline on the match.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Misbehaving kids are like someone playing with matches in the hopes of starting a fire and seeing what happens next! Most kids have no idea where their misbehavior will lead them. They jump in feet first (usually mouth first!) and then watch to see what happens as a result. Think of the classroom as a place where misbehaving kids sit and light matches through the day, waiting to see if the teacher will catch fire and cause a rumpus. Think of teachers (and parents) as carrying around a back pack of gasoline. The hose used to deliver the gasoline is our adult mouths and the words that we use back to kids when they strike their matches (being rude, disrespectful or non-compliant). Look out!
We cannot control kids striking matches. But we can control the gasoline we carry around on our backs and how we use our mouths when talking back to misbehaving kids. I spend a lot of my time coaching teachers and parents to stop pouring gasoline on a match! It only blows up in your face.
The key to managing misbehaving kids is to learn how to blow out the match not pour gasoline on it.
This requires self-discipline on the part of the adult. When a child is being rude, disrespectful and belligerent it is so difficult to keep your composure and not strike back, especially with your words. But this is what is required if we are going to help misbehaving kids learn to change their behavior from destructive to constructive. Often teachers and parents feel it is unfair that they are ones who have to exercise self-discipline first in the face of an undisciplined child. I get it. I agree. But unfortunately, it is the way it is. If the child was more self-disciplined he or she wouldn't be misbehaving in the first place!
In the moment when the child is misbehaving he or she needs the teacher or parent to exercise good judgement, self-discipline and self-control. There is short lived satisfaction in striking back at a difficult child with sarcasm or reprimands. The long term benefit and the enduring change that comes for a misbehaving child is when the adult holds their fire and tries to help the kid out of the mess they have created. This is why adults (parents and teachers) are so valuable in the lives of children. We anchor for them stability and self-discipline when they do not have it for themselves. Imagine a child whose life is full of mistakes, rudeness, misbehavior and defiance and they have no one who is holding steady for them and helping them learn how to be self-disciplined? It is a sink hole with no escape.
The next time you are with a child who is lighting matches of misbehavior - you be the one who holds your fire, does not pour more gasoline on their match, but instead learns how to blow out the match.
If that is the case....then what do you say to a misbehaving kid that blows out the match they lit?
Stay tuned to a future blog for that technique! In the meantime start watching and observing this dynamic of kids lighting matches and adults pouring gasoline on the match.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Time Out....For Adults!
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When adults model the proper behavior and emotional responses to situations it is important for children to witness it in action. Children need good models to see how to handle situations responsibly. By contrast, poor adult models also instruct children how to behave and can have a destructive impact on children. Adults are powerful models for children, even when they are not intending to be one. Children are ALWAYS watching us to see how we respond and learning what to do in a variety of social situations. As parents and teachers, we often forget that children are watching EVERYTHING we do and say and it is being recorded in some way for the child as a model of how to behave. This why television, films, video games and the overwhelming violence and destructive behaviors being modeled in all types of media are worrisome to those of us who understand the power of models in children's lives.
When a parent or teacher is dealing with a difficult misbehavior situation involving a child and the adult is upset, angry or frustrated with the child it is the perfect moment to model how to constructively handle feelings like this for the child. Often, adults spiral out of control when they feel this way. We rant and rave in front of the child and end up "putting on an emotional show" (from the point of view of the child) that is entertaining for the child and a poor model of how to handle these kinds of feelings.
Another approach is to use "time out"... not for the child but for the adult! Adults put children into "time out" all of the time. The more powerful use of time out is to model it for the child and use it on yourself. When you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated with the behavior of a child or group of children, tell them how you are feeling and tell them that you are taking a time out. Tell them you do not want them to speak to you and you are not talking, you need to be alone for a few minutes because you are so upset you need to get back into balance before you do anything else. You don't just take the time out, you actually explain how you are feeling and what you need to handle yourself better. You model and teach a child that having out of balance feelings is normal and this how you handle it when it happens. You don't scream, and throw objects, you don't grab the child and lecture at them, you don't do things or say things that you later regret - you take time out and collect yourself. This is modeling a healthy emotional IQ for a child. Often, children who misbehave a lot have a low emotional IQ. They are not aware of their feelings, they are often overwhelmed by their own feelings and act on impulse - a lot! They act first and think later. We are always telling these types of children in schools that they need more "self-control"! How does a child learn self-control? They need to see it modeled in order to learn it. When adults act impulsively and are out of control around misbehaving children it is a poor combination because the adult is not providing a proper model for how to handle feelings that can grab a hold of us and make us do things we regret.
Adult time out teaches children that everyone gets these feelings from time to time and the way to handle them is to take a break, slow down, be alone and compose yourself. So, I advise parents and teachers to buy a simple kitchen timer and set it for 5+/- minutes and just be alone. Don't answer your phone, don't respond to questions from kids who keep asking you things. Be with yourself in front of children and show them what time out looks like. Then when the child is upset, angry and frustrated and you need to give him a time out, he can accept it better. He has seen you do it and he understands what it is and where it is coming from. Children come to learn that everyone, including parents and teachers, get out of balance and need to find a way to get back in balance in order to relate better to other people.
Imagine if children grew up in a world where "time out" allowed all of us to regain our perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed. We might actually raise children in our homes and our schools to become less impulsive, emotionally more mature and self disciplined.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When adults model the proper behavior and emotional responses to situations it is important for children to witness it in action. Children need good models to see how to handle situations responsibly. By contrast, poor adult models also instruct children how to behave and can have a destructive impact on children. Adults are powerful models for children, even when they are not intending to be one. Children are ALWAYS watching us to see how we respond and learning what to do in a variety of social situations. As parents and teachers, we often forget that children are watching EVERYTHING we do and say and it is being recorded in some way for the child as a model of how to behave. This why television, films, video games and the overwhelming violence and destructive behaviors being modeled in all types of media are worrisome to those of us who understand the power of models in children's lives.
When a parent or teacher is dealing with a difficult misbehavior situation involving a child and the adult is upset, angry or frustrated with the child it is the perfect moment to model how to constructively handle feelings like this for the child. Often, adults spiral out of control when they feel this way. We rant and rave in front of the child and end up "putting on an emotional show" (from the point of view of the child) that is entertaining for the child and a poor model of how to handle these kinds of feelings.
Another approach is to use "time out"... not for the child but for the adult! Adults put children into "time out" all of the time. The more powerful use of time out is to model it for the child and use it on yourself. When you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated with the behavior of a child or group of children, tell them how you are feeling and tell them that you are taking a time out. Tell them you do not want them to speak to you and you are not talking, you need to be alone for a few minutes because you are so upset you need to get back into balance before you do anything else. You don't just take the time out, you actually explain how you are feeling and what you need to handle yourself better. You model and teach a child that having out of balance feelings is normal and this how you handle it when it happens. You don't scream, and throw objects, you don't grab the child and lecture at them, you don't do things or say things that you later regret - you take time out and collect yourself. This is modeling a healthy emotional IQ for a child. Often, children who misbehave a lot have a low emotional IQ. They are not aware of their feelings, they are often overwhelmed by their own feelings and act on impulse - a lot! They act first and think later. We are always telling these types of children in schools that they need more "self-control"! How does a child learn self-control? They need to see it modeled in order to learn it. When adults act impulsively and are out of control around misbehaving children it is a poor combination because the adult is not providing a proper model for how to handle feelings that can grab a hold of us and make us do things we regret.
Adult time out teaches children that everyone gets these feelings from time to time and the way to handle them is to take a break, slow down, be alone and compose yourself. So, I advise parents and teachers to buy a simple kitchen timer and set it for 5+/- minutes and just be alone. Don't answer your phone, don't respond to questions from kids who keep asking you things. Be with yourself in front of children and show them what time out looks like. Then when the child is upset, angry and frustrated and you need to give him a time out, he can accept it better. He has seen you do it and he understands what it is and where it is coming from. Children come to learn that everyone, including parents and teachers, get out of balance and need to find a way to get back in balance in order to relate better to other people.
Imagine if children grew up in a world where "time out" allowed all of us to regain our perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed. We might actually raise children in our homes and our schools to become less impulsive, emotionally more mature and self disciplined.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Tug of War Over Adult Attention
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Children are in a constant tug of war with adults to get attention. Children don't really care how they get your attention - they just want it. They need it. Adult attention confirms for children that they belong with you. Belonging is crucial for children to feel part of a social group, whether it is in the family or in the classroom. Belonging is how children develop their "private logic" (see a prior posting on Private Logic). Belonging and Private logic are what drives children to behave either constructively or destructively.
Parents and teachers would benefit from learning how to use this constant tug of war for adult attention to the benefit of the child and help him or her move in the direction of getting attention for behaving constructively. What parents and teachers often do not understand is that despite how destructively the child bids for attention, the adult is in control of when and how they give their attention. Too often adults give their attention away to a child mostly when the child is behaving badly. Adult attention is like gold. If you give it to a child when he or she is behaving badly you are paying him/her your gold to keep behaving badly. This is a mistake that could be avoided!
Adults have so much power to influence a child's sense of belonging and private logic and the child's subsequent behavior. This private logic is how the child sees himself relating in the world with other children and other adults. The power adults have comes from choosing when to give adult attention to a child. Parents and teachers are typically so busy with keeping the family or the classroom afloat that they typically only give their attention when something goes wrong with a child. If things are going right, we all take it for granted that is should be that way and keep going, giving little or no "gold" to the child for behaving well.
Ignoring a child's misbehavior, where sensible, and immediately giving attention to the cessation of that misbehavior is a much wiser course of action for adults. Choosing to pay attention to predominantly constructive behaviors in a child shapes the child to believe that adult "gold" or attention is given only when he behaves well. Too often, we go unconscious when kids are behaving well. We expect that they should do what is expected of them and ignore a powerful opportunity to get more of that good behavior. However, as soon as a child behaves badly, it catches our attention and we react to it, giving away our "gold" to the child and cementing in a destructive private logic about how that child belongs with others. The overwhelming number of children who behave badly are not "bad" kids. They have simply been given lots of adults attention (at home and at school) for behaving badly (usually in the form of correction) and been given too little adult attention for behaving appropriately.
Guess who is responsible for giving away adult attention - the adult! Unfortunately, most adults are unaware of how much power they have in choosing when and where to give away their attention to children, especially to children who behave badly. We often feel like the child is making us give them our attention because we have to stop them from misbehaving. This is what causes adults to constantly correct misbehaving kids. If you pay close attention to the results of adults constantly correcting and reprimanding misbehaving children, you will see poor results with kids persisting in misbehaving even after they are corrected. It is because the adults have missed the point - the child wants your "gold", your attention, they care less about the reprimand. Adults delude themselves into thinking the reprimand is what is important. It isn't. It is all about the attention being given by the adult. Whatever behaviors you pay attention to with children, you will get more of those behaviors from them.
A School Example:
A child is calling out in class to answer questions and not following the guideline of raising hands to be called upon by the teacher. Reprimanding that child and correcting them for calling out is giving that behavior attention...albeit negative attention, but attention nonetheless. If the teacher were to discipline herself to let that one moment pass temporarily and as soon as the child stops calling out THEN give the child your attention by thanking him or her for stopping and getting quiet. Then invite the child to raise their hand and as soon as the child raises his hand - call on him and give him your "gold". Teachers correct the same interrupting children all day for calling out in class - correcting does not work. It simply gives endless attention to destructive behaviors and cements the child into a private logic engine that keeps pushing out more of the same behaviors in order to "belong" in the classroom. This goes on all for the sake of getting the teachers attention. Kids don't care if the attention comes in the form of a reprimand - they just want the teacher's "gold"! So knowing this, teachers need to exercise wisdom and help the child make the switch to more constructive behavior. The way a teacher helps the child make this switch to better behavior is to be conscious of how the teacher gives away their attention to the child.
Be wise and recognize the game being played so you can help your child to behave more constructively. You are in a tug of war over adult attention and, often, you are losing. If you start paying more attention to the child when he/she is behaving appropriately you will get more of that behavior at home and in school. Adults need to discipline themselves to decide when and where to give away the gold of their attention to children. If parents and teachers knew the stakes involved with giving away their gold, they would be more careful with it.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Children are in a constant tug of war with adults to get attention. Children don't really care how they get your attention - they just want it. They need it. Adult attention confirms for children that they belong with you. Belonging is crucial for children to feel part of a social group, whether it is in the family or in the classroom. Belonging is how children develop their "private logic" (see a prior posting on Private Logic). Belonging and Private logic are what drives children to behave either constructively or destructively.
Parents and teachers would benefit from learning how to use this constant tug of war for adult attention to the benefit of the child and help him or her move in the direction of getting attention for behaving constructively. What parents and teachers often do not understand is that despite how destructively the child bids for attention, the adult is in control of when and how they give their attention. Too often adults give their attention away to a child mostly when the child is behaving badly. Adult attention is like gold. If you give it to a child when he or she is behaving badly you are paying him/her your gold to keep behaving badly. This is a mistake that could be avoided!
Adults have so much power to influence a child's sense of belonging and private logic and the child's subsequent behavior. This private logic is how the child sees himself relating in the world with other children and other adults. The power adults have comes from choosing when to give adult attention to a child. Parents and teachers are typically so busy with keeping the family or the classroom afloat that they typically only give their attention when something goes wrong with a child. If things are going right, we all take it for granted that is should be that way and keep going, giving little or no "gold" to the child for behaving well.
Ignoring a child's misbehavior, where sensible, and immediately giving attention to the cessation of that misbehavior is a much wiser course of action for adults. Choosing to pay attention to predominantly constructive behaviors in a child shapes the child to believe that adult "gold" or attention is given only when he behaves well. Too often, we go unconscious when kids are behaving well. We expect that they should do what is expected of them and ignore a powerful opportunity to get more of that good behavior. However, as soon as a child behaves badly, it catches our attention and we react to it, giving away our "gold" to the child and cementing in a destructive private logic about how that child belongs with others. The overwhelming number of children who behave badly are not "bad" kids. They have simply been given lots of adults attention (at home and at school) for behaving badly (usually in the form of correction) and been given too little adult attention for behaving appropriately.
Guess who is responsible for giving away adult attention - the adult! Unfortunately, most adults are unaware of how much power they have in choosing when and where to give away their attention to children, especially to children who behave badly. We often feel like the child is making us give them our attention because we have to stop them from misbehaving. This is what causes adults to constantly correct misbehaving kids. If you pay close attention to the results of adults constantly correcting and reprimanding misbehaving children, you will see poor results with kids persisting in misbehaving even after they are corrected. It is because the adults have missed the point - the child wants your "gold", your attention, they care less about the reprimand. Adults delude themselves into thinking the reprimand is what is important. It isn't. It is all about the attention being given by the adult. Whatever behaviors you pay attention to with children, you will get more of those behaviors from them.
A School Example:
A child is calling out in class to answer questions and not following the guideline of raising hands to be called upon by the teacher. Reprimanding that child and correcting them for calling out is giving that behavior attention...albeit negative attention, but attention nonetheless. If the teacher were to discipline herself to let that one moment pass temporarily and as soon as the child stops calling out THEN give the child your attention by thanking him or her for stopping and getting quiet. Then invite the child to raise their hand and as soon as the child raises his hand - call on him and give him your "gold". Teachers correct the same interrupting children all day for calling out in class - correcting does not work. It simply gives endless attention to destructive behaviors and cements the child into a private logic engine that keeps pushing out more of the same behaviors in order to "belong" in the classroom. This goes on all for the sake of getting the teachers attention. Kids don't care if the attention comes in the form of a reprimand - they just want the teacher's "gold"! So knowing this, teachers need to exercise wisdom and help the child make the switch to more constructive behavior. The way a teacher helps the child make this switch to better behavior is to be conscious of how the teacher gives away their attention to the child.
Be wise and recognize the game being played so you can help your child to behave more constructively. You are in a tug of war over adult attention and, often, you are losing. If you start paying more attention to the child when he/she is behaving appropriately you will get more of that behavior at home and in school. Adults need to discipline themselves to decide when and where to give away the gold of their attention to children. If parents and teachers knew the stakes involved with giving away their gold, they would be more careful with it.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Why Do Kids Ignore What I Say?
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Kids often ignore what adults have to say. This causes parents and teachers to be frustrated. How do kids learn to ignore what adults say? We teach them to ignore us.
The way we teach them to ignore what we say is because our words are often empty. Words only carry power when they are backed up by action. How often have you heard yourself or another adult speaking to a child, issuing threats, hollering, pleading, asking repeatedly for the child to do something and getting nothing back from the child? This is because the child knows that your words mean nothing because there is no action backing them up.
Some examples....
A child is watching TV or playing video games and the parent is calling him or her to the table for dinner. "Turn off the TV and that video game, dinner is nearly ready." The child ignores the parent and continues to watch and play. The child has been through this routine many, many times and because the parent is busy preparing dinner their attention is divided. The child knows the parent is going to keep asking and the child is going to keep ignoring until the last minute when the parent finally gets exasperated, raises their voice and insists the child comes to the table NOW! That tone of voice and the parents stopping what they are doing and standing still near the child communicates....I mean business!! Now the child realizes the words mean something and he or she comes to dinner.
There is another way to handle this situation and give your words meaning and value. The key here is to make what you say the first time have meaning and value so the child listens to you THE FIRST TIME you speak to them. In order to accomplish this goal you have to discipline YOURSELF and not allow your attention to be divided. When you want the child to turn off the TV/video game, stop what you are doing. Don't call out to the child to do something from another room. Go into the room with the TV and stand in front of it and tell the child it is time to come to the table for dinner and turn off the TV. Stand there and wait. If the child does not get up - then ACT on your words and turn off the TV/video game yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. When your actions are in alignment with your words, your words take on real meaning to the child.
The same thing is true in the classroom. Teachers are incredibly busy and often very distracted by having to manage many kids at one time and teach content to them all at the same time. So teachers deal with having their attention divided in the classroom all day long and it is a challenge to manage it. However, if teachers get into the habit of speaking to children with divided attention and not backing up their words with actions - those teachers are effectively training their students to ignore them. If a child in a third grade classroom is wandering around the room and not focusing on his or her work, the teacher is well served to stop what she is doing and deal with redirecting this child immediately. Then later when this behavior happens again and the teacher speaks to the child, the child knows the teachers words mean business.
I know how busy a classroom full of kids can become. However, if you are dealing with a chronically misbehaving child and want to really help the situation improve, you must discipline yourself to not respond to this child with divided attention. It may seems like a lot of work to do this but doing a half way job with disciplining such a child becomes more work in the long run.
The goal here is for parents and teachers to learn how to give meaning to their words by backing them up with actions so children learn to value what you say. It sounds so simple yet it requires such self-discipline from the adult. When you act in alignment with what you say, you will teach children that your words have real meaning and they learn to respect what you say.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Kids often ignore what adults have to say. This causes parents and teachers to be frustrated. How do kids learn to ignore what adults say? We teach them to ignore us.
The way we teach them to ignore what we say is because our words are often empty. Words only carry power when they are backed up by action. How often have you heard yourself or another adult speaking to a child, issuing threats, hollering, pleading, asking repeatedly for the child to do something and getting nothing back from the child? This is because the child knows that your words mean nothing because there is no action backing them up.
Some examples....
A child is watching TV or playing video games and the parent is calling him or her to the table for dinner. "Turn off the TV and that video game, dinner is nearly ready." The child ignores the parent and continues to watch and play. The child has been through this routine many, many times and because the parent is busy preparing dinner their attention is divided. The child knows the parent is going to keep asking and the child is going to keep ignoring until the last minute when the parent finally gets exasperated, raises their voice and insists the child comes to the table NOW! That tone of voice and the parents stopping what they are doing and standing still near the child communicates....I mean business!! Now the child realizes the words mean something and he or she comes to dinner.
There is another way to handle this situation and give your words meaning and value. The key here is to make what you say the first time have meaning and value so the child listens to you THE FIRST TIME you speak to them. In order to accomplish this goal you have to discipline YOURSELF and not allow your attention to be divided. When you want the child to turn off the TV/video game, stop what you are doing. Don't call out to the child to do something from another room. Go into the room with the TV and stand in front of it and tell the child it is time to come to the table for dinner and turn off the TV. Stand there and wait. If the child does not get up - then ACT on your words and turn off the TV/video game yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. When your actions are in alignment with your words, your words take on real meaning to the child.
The same thing is true in the classroom. Teachers are incredibly busy and often very distracted by having to manage many kids at one time and teach content to them all at the same time. So teachers deal with having their attention divided in the classroom all day long and it is a challenge to manage it. However, if teachers get into the habit of speaking to children with divided attention and not backing up their words with actions - those teachers are effectively training their students to ignore them. If a child in a third grade classroom is wandering around the room and not focusing on his or her work, the teacher is well served to stop what she is doing and deal with redirecting this child immediately. Then later when this behavior happens again and the teacher speaks to the child, the child knows the teachers words mean business.
I know how busy a classroom full of kids can become. However, if you are dealing with a chronically misbehaving child and want to really help the situation improve, you must discipline yourself to not respond to this child with divided attention. It may seems like a lot of work to do this but doing a half way job with disciplining such a child becomes more work in the long run.
The goal here is for parents and teachers to learn how to give meaning to their words by backing them up with actions so children learn to value what you say. It sounds so simple yet it requires such self-discipline from the adult. When you act in alignment with what you say, you will teach children that your words have real meaning and they learn to respect what you say.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
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