Emotional Bank Account

When we respond to children who are misbehaving, it helps to be conscious of our emotional bank account.  Our emotional bank account is where we exchange emotional energy with children while we are disciplining them.  Often times we over pay into this account by screaming, shouting, getting overly dramatic, demanding, etc.  We do this, in part, because these were the role models we had growing up.  There was a time…. long ago in a galaxy far, far away…. when parents and teachers could use their overblown emotional energy to discipline children.  Today, it simply does not work.

Adults who live and work with children need to rethink this approach and stop overreacting on emotional impulse to the misbehavior of children.  We need to understand that our ranting and ravings amuse children.  They watch us squirm and twist and get upset – and they enjoy the show!  It does little or nothing to help them change their behavior.

So here is how the Emotional Bank Account can work for you.  You only pay out in emotional energy less than what the child is giving you.  If a child is giving you misbehavior at a $1.00 level – be sure to give back to the child in your emotional response 99 cents or less (the lower the better).  Learn how to underpay your emotional response.  Underpaying in emotional energy is a way to model your self-discipline for the child.  Often, misbehaving children lack self-discipline.  These children need models of self-discipline if they are to change their behavior over time.  There are a few reasons why this approach is an effective strategy.  First, you don’t look like a fool to your child.  Children today are unmoved by emotional overreaction.  Second, it plays into the dynamic of their misbehavior pattern.  It gives them too much control when they see that they can get you upset and angry.  Stop feeding that pattern.  Third, it takes a toll on you physically, mentally and emotionally over time.  It is exhausting to be caught up in the habit of over reacting to misbehaving kids.

Underpaying the emotional bank account when a child misbehaves does NOT mean being passive, not acting on your authority or giving the child a consequence.  It does mean you are being more deliberate, careful and conscious of the emotional intensity with which you speak to the child and deliver the consequence (more on consequences in another posting).  There is nothing worse to witness than an over reacting, emotionally overcharged child arguing with an over reacting emotionally overcharged adult.  Someone has to change first and it is the adult who needs to take the first step toward walking back the emotional charge when misbehavior occurs.

Instead, learn how to act more and say less.

If your child is playing video games and won’t turn it off to come to dinner – stop yelling at him or her and ranting about it.  Simply go and turn it off and tell them it is dinnertime while standing in front of the TV. Your actions speak louder than you’re yelling.

The emotional bank account is a way of training yourself to calm down, be more responsive and less reactive when a child misbehaves.  Remember…..

Self disciplined children come from being in a relationship with self disciplined adults.

Have you ever overpaid into the emotional bank account with a child who was misbehaving?  What happened and how did it work out?

I look forward to reading about your experiences with the emotional bank account on this blog.

Lou