Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 2

Please read Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1 to refresh those thoughts just prior to reading this posting.

Children behave the way they do because the well meaning, distracted, and unskilled adults in their lives have helped them create a private logic that unwittingly encourages them to behave that way.  The reason certain children act cooperatively and promptly while other children delay and cry is because adults have given their attention to those children whenever they behaved in those ways. What the adult pays attention to is what the child repeats. What the child repeats is what constitutes the framework for that child's private logic. And a child's private logic is the "ticket" that makes them feel they belong to social groups, families, and communities. Belonging and private logic are strong forces on children because they are linked to giving children a very precious commodity that they desperately seek - adult attention!

Clearly then, it is important for teachers and parents to understand this important and basic principle of behavior management  - we get the behaviors from children that we pay the most attention to. If you pay more attention to the delaying tactics, the tears, the distractions, the constant requests for more things to do, etc. - then you will get more of that type of behavior from the child, because that is what you are paying attention to and thereby strengthening such a private logic in the child.

Private logic and belonging are built on adult attention.  The dilemma for well intentioned but unskilled parents and teachers is that they are so busy their attention is divided.  Misbehaving children feed on the fact that adult attention is often divided and they catch us off guard.  In fact, chronically misbehaving children tend to run the household or the classroom to the dismay and frustration of parents and teachers even though these children are constantly being corrected and often punished for their behavior.  What we do not recognize is that all of that correcting and punishing is interpreted by the child as "attention" and "belonging" and that is really all they want from us.  Have you ever wondered why children who are punished and corrected do not change their behavior?  It is because they stopped caring about the correcting and the punishing; they care more about getting your attention.  They will take the punishing and hollering if they can just get the attention they need and want from adults.  All that children want is to "belong;" if they have to belong by being "bad," "destructive," and "disruptive" they will do it.

That is why when you correct a child with a destructive private logic you can correct them, reprimand them, and punish them repeatedly but their behavior never really changes.  In fact, their behavior typically becomes more entrenched like cement.  If you want to change this behavior in a child, you need to understand the dynamic of private logic, the engine that is producing the misbehavior, and start changing how YOU behave.

Remember...

Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou

Private Logic....The Engine of Misbehavior, Part 1

Have you ever wondered why children who misbehave do not change their habitually difficult behaviors even after they have been scolded, reprimanded and punished?  The reason has to do with something called Private Logic.

Children want to belong with others socially.  It is a strong force that propels them to act the way they do.  In fact, it is a strong underlying force explaining why all people act the way they do.  For children, this drive to belong is like a network of accumulated responses they have received from adults to everything they have done over time.  Each individual adult's response to their behaviors in and of itself may not amount to very much, but the cumulative effect of all of these responses over time adds up to the creation of their private logic. Private logic is the filter through which we see ourselves belonging with others in the world.  Some children have a constructive type of private logic and some children have a destructive type of private logic.  Constructive private logic leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are acceptable.  Destructive private logic also leads kids to believe they can be noticed, get attention and "belong" with others socially by behaving in ways that are unacceptable.  Kids often get stuck in their destructive private logic and do not know how to get out of it.  In fact, everything they do seems to keep them stuck in it.

When children are told to put their toys away and they delay and ignore that adult direction, they observe what the adults do or do not do in response to them.  Sometimes well meaning adults repeat to a child 4 or 5 times to put their toys away while the adult is busily doing something else in another room.  The child slowly learns that the adult does not mean what they say.  Then the adult raises their voice and really shows they are upset and angry at the child for refusing to do what they have been told to do.  That angry tone of voice communicates that the adult now means what they say and is giving the child their full attention.  Once the adult gives their full attention to this destructive behavior (and the private logic that sits underneath it) the child may finally pick up their toys.  However, the real danger is that the child cements even further inside of themselves this type of private logic and that they will only get attention by doing acting "destructively."

A pattern is being built here, unknowingly,  inside the child about how to behave in order to get adult attention.  These kinds of interactions accumulate over time and puts in place one little piece of a larger, growing puzzle that constitutes a child's private logic.  Another piece of logic may get created for the child when they are told to get ready for bed.  The child delays and delays, playing and distracting themselves from doing what they need to do to comply with the adult.  After much delay and game playing, the adult finally gets angry and communicates their upset and their clear intention and full attention for the child to go to bed.  Tears may ensue and the whole ordeal of going to bed is upsetting for both the child and the parent.  What is really happening here is the creation of a private logic in the child that slowly, over time, propels the child to respond only to negative attention.  The creation of this private logic is insidious, slow, and builds over time, but none-the-less it definitely becomes a powerful engine that produces misbehavior.

Part 2 of Private Logic...The Engine of Misbehavior will be the next posting on this blog.

Remember...

Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

Lou 

Emotional Bank Account

When we respond to children who are misbehaving, it helps to be conscious of our emotional bank account.  Our emotional bank account is where we exchange emotional energy with children while we are disciplining them.  Often times we over pay into this account by screaming, shouting, getting overly dramatic, demanding, etc.  We do this, in part, because these were the role models we had growing up.  There was a time…. long ago in a galaxy far, far away…. when parents and teachers could use their overblown emotional energy to discipline children.  Today, it simply does not work.

Adults who live and work with children need to rethink this approach and stop overreacting on emotional impulse to the misbehavior of children.  We need to understand that our ranting and ravings amuse children.  They watch us squirm and twist and get upset – and they enjoy the show!  It does little or nothing to help them change their behavior.

So here is how the Emotional Bank Account can work for you.  You only pay out in emotional energy less than what the child is giving you.  If a child is giving you misbehavior at a $1.00 level – be sure to give back to the child in your emotional response 99 cents or less (the lower the better).  Learn how to underpay your emotional response.  Underpaying in emotional energy is a way to model your self-discipline for the child.  Often, misbehaving children lack self-discipline.  These children need models of self-discipline if they are to change their behavior over time.  There are a few reasons why this approach is an effective strategy.  First, you don’t look like a fool to your child.  Children today are unmoved by emotional overreaction.  Second, it plays into the dynamic of their misbehavior pattern.  It gives them too much control when they see that they can get you upset and angry.  Stop feeding that pattern.  Third, it takes a toll on you physically, mentally and emotionally over time.  It is exhausting to be caught up in the habit of over reacting to misbehaving kids.

Underpaying the emotional bank account when a child misbehaves does NOT mean being passive, not acting on your authority or giving the child a consequence.  It does mean you are being more deliberate, careful and conscious of the emotional intensity with which you speak to the child and deliver the consequence (more on consequences in another posting).  There is nothing worse to witness than an over reacting, emotionally overcharged child arguing with an over reacting emotionally overcharged adult.  Someone has to change first and it is the adult who needs to take the first step toward walking back the emotional charge when misbehavior occurs.

Instead, learn how to act more and say less.

If your child is playing video games and won’t turn it off to come to dinner – stop yelling at him or her and ranting about it.  Simply go and turn it off and tell them it is dinnertime while standing in front of the TV. Your actions speak louder than you’re yelling.

The emotional bank account is a way of training yourself to calm down, be more responsive and less reactive when a child misbehaves.  Remember…..

Self disciplined children come from being in a relationship with self disciplined adults.

Have you ever overpaid into the emotional bank account with a child who was misbehaving?  What happened and how did it work out?

I look forward to reading about your experiences with the emotional bank account on this blog.

Lou

Shooting from the Hip!

Often times when we are dealing with difficult, misbehaving kids (adults too?) we end up shooting from the hip when we react to them.  Kids can be so frustrating when they are rude and disrespectful.  That frustration turns us into impulsive adults who shoot from the hip back at kids who have us at our wits end.  If you haven't noticed, this does not work.
The key to dealing with undisciplined kids is to be the disciplined adult around them.

Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.

This is hard work.  It means we cannot afford the luxury of being reactive and impulsive ourselves.
It means we must find the strategies and techniques that help us to maintain our own self-discipline when dealing with undisciplined children.

This blog is devoted to helping teachers and parents learn how to maintain their own self-discipline when dealing with misbehaving children.  If you thought that the "trick" in managing children's behavior was to figure what to do with THEM, you had it backwards.  Actually the "trick," if there is any, is in figuring out what to do with YOURSELF - with your attitudes and thinking, with your language and words and with your actions and behavior.  When you figure out how to manage your own behavior around misbehaving kids you have tapped in to the key to helping children transform their behavior.  More to come......stay tuned!
Lou