If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The fourth and final item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Assumed Disability misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it nor is there an active form of it - it is entirely passive/destructive. This child has gone through all of the three prior goals of misbehavior to get here. This child has used Attention Getting, Power and Revenge at some point and abandoned each one for the next. Earlier in this child's life, he or she wanted attention from others and tried to get it - albeit not successfully. Then there were attempts at getting Control and Power but those efforts failed. When a child attempts to be powerful and in control and fails, it leads to feelings of hurt and a desire to "get back" at others for feeling hurt.
The final step in this process is to abandon connecting socially with others. When a child is hurt and is low on courage this leads to disconnecting from others and becoming isolated. When a child disconnects socially and is carrying around baggage of wanting attention, wanting power and control and wanting to hurt back but all of these efforts are thwarted - it leads to serious inner contraction away from other people.
The passive destructive Assumed Disability child has a flat affect in school. He or she has few, if any, friends. The child makes no effort to "be" a friend and appears inept at it. This child does little or no school work, despite encouragement and help from teachers and peers. Low self-confidence is an indicator for this child but there is so much more going on for this child than low self-confidence. This child is completely discouraged and cut off socially from connecting with others. Despair is a strong word but it may describe the inner landscape of feelings for this child. When a child has reached this level of misbehavior, professional intervention is warranted. Teachers are often at their wits end trying to help this child. They do so little work and give no emotional responses to correction. Threatening this child with failure because they do no work is pointless. He or she shows no reaction to these threats. The flat line of no emotional reaction is telling and speaks volumes to how much this child is hurt and lonely. Every effort needs to be made to give this child encouragement despite getting nothing back in return. Adults who work with this child must be consistently encouraging and accepting of the tiniest, most insignificant movement in the direction of social participation and doing academic work. This child feels unnoticed, powerless and hurt and they are abandoning the social world of other people to cope with these overwhelming feelings as they pull deeper within themselves.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 4 - Revenge
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The third item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Revenge misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it. It is not possible to hurt someone else or yourself in a constructive way. Misbehavior is now taking a serious downward turn. There are no constructive expressions of revenge behaviors - they are all destructive.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Revenge will do all of things we typically associate with a hurtful, unpredictable child. In school, this child will openly and directly hurt other people and destroy property. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly hurtful and destructive in a way that is bold and brazen. This child is often explosive! Teachers often feel physically and emotionally threatened by this child, and rightly so! This child will kick, pinch, break and destroy things. Teachers feel trapped with this child in the classroom because they feel that the cumulative effect of this child' fluency in attention getting, power and now revenge is overwhelming to deal with and manage - and it can be! This child plays out his/her revenge behaviors by directing his or her anger toward others.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Revenge will quietly go about hurting others or himself. This child lacks courage, so he or she will play out their revenge by imploding against himself. Instead of punching or kicking or destroying something openly, this child will steal from others, break things in a hidden way, hurt himself by cutting his arm or inflicting wounds on himself QUIETLY. This child is less explosive and more quiet and hidden in the way he hurts himself or others. Teachers often miss seeing this child's hurtful behaviors because they are so good at being passive until something happens that draws your attention to the results of his behaviors (i.e. bloody arm, stolen property, etc) This child causes a teacher to feel hurt themselves because your best efforts get returned with more hurtful behaviors. This child is in pain, has been hurt by others and yet he/she is unwilling to express the hurt openly. Instead he hides and withdraws and implodes on himself. It can feel overwhelming to get this child to improve their behavior and unlock himself from the drive to hurt others as he has been hurt himself.
Keep your eye out for revenge driven children in the classroom. Look for the difference between children who explode toward others and those who implode toward themselves. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Assumed Disability misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The third item examined is the Revenge driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
The first thing to note about the child stuck in Revenge misbehavior is that there is no constructive form of it. It is not possible to hurt someone else or yourself in a constructive way. Misbehavior is now taking a serious downward turn. There are no constructive expressions of revenge behaviors - they are all destructive.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Revenge will do all of things we typically associate with a hurtful, unpredictable child. In school, this child will openly and directly hurt other people and destroy property. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly hurtful and destructive in a way that is bold and brazen. This child is often explosive! Teachers often feel physically and emotionally threatened by this child, and rightly so! This child will kick, pinch, break and destroy things. Teachers feel trapped with this child in the classroom because they feel that the cumulative effect of this child' fluency in attention getting, power and now revenge is overwhelming to deal with and manage - and it can be! This child plays out his/her revenge behaviors by directing his or her anger toward others.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Revenge will quietly go about hurting others or himself. This child lacks courage, so he or she will play out their revenge by imploding against himself. Instead of punching or kicking or destroying something openly, this child will steal from others, break things in a hidden way, hurt himself by cutting his arm or inflicting wounds on himself QUIETLY. This child is less explosive and more quiet and hidden in the way he hurts himself or others. Teachers often miss seeing this child's hurtful behaviors because they are so good at being passive until something happens that draws your attention to the results of his behaviors (i.e. bloody arm, stolen property, etc) This child causes a teacher to feel hurt themselves because your best efforts get returned with more hurtful behaviors. This child is in pain, has been hurt by others and yet he/she is unwilling to express the hurt openly. Instead he hides and withdraws and implodes on himself. It can feel overwhelming to get this child to improve their behavior and unlock himself from the drive to hurt others as he has been hurt himself.
Keep your eye out for revenge driven children in the classroom. Look for the difference between children who explode toward others and those who implode toward themselves. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Assumed Disability misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Monday, October 31, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 3 - Power
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The second item examined is the Power driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Power (the second Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a leader. In school, this child wants to be in charge of things and lead others, he or she wants to be the assistant teacher, wants to be the line leader, likes being in charge of small groups, etc. This child has lots of courage and actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often a support for the teacher. When kids are misbehaving this child often implores them to get quiet and behave on behalf of the teacher! Schools need to find ways to help these children channel their desires for power in constructive ways through school council, athletics, music and arts programs, anything that puts children in charge in a good way. When teachers understand this matrix, they share power with children in the classroom to develop constructive leadership. Developing constructive leadership in the classroom is a very important job for a teacher who is skillfully managing the class to become increasingly cooperative.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Power will do all of things we typically associate with a defiant child. In school, this child will openly and directly defy the teacher and persons of authority, they persist in breaking the rules, will often say "NO" to a teacher or parent to their face - they will do anything to resist being told what to do by someone in authority. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly defiant and rude in a way that is bold and brazen. Teachers often feel that their authority is being openly challenged and threatened by this child (because it is!). Teachers feel stuck with this child in the classroom because they feel like each incident is a test case of either fighting back with the child or giving in to him or her to avoid a fight. Dealing with this child in the classroom is exhausting!
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Power quietly desires to be in control and in charge in a good way but lacks the courage to demonstrate it or ask for an appropriate position of power. This child is a resource in the classroom that is very often untapped because the child stays hidden. If the teacher knew how to recognize that this child is hiding his or her strength and knew how to encourage him or her to be in a position of power, the child would enjoy it and run with it. However, this child will not ask for it or bring attention to himself to get it. This is clearly a case where if this child's leadership is to come forward it will take an astute teacher or adult to recognize it and foster leadership in this child, despite the child's lack of courage to show it. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as an increasingly noticeable constructive force in the classroom. This child's leadership ability can easily go completely unnoticed in the classroom.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Power will quietly not comply with nearly everything the teacher asks of him. However, his child lacks courage, so he or she will play out defiance by withholding what you want. Instead of saying 'NO" to your face, this child will not speak back to you but will simply do what he wants to do ignoring you and defying you QUIETLY. This child does not do their work or forgets things needed to do their work, avoids work by distracting himself from it, finds other things to do rather than the assigned work, walks around the room quietly and unnoticed. Teachers often miss seeing this child's avoidance and defiance because they are so good at being passive until you got to check on work completed and find little or nothing getting done! When confronted with getting to work, this child will sit quietly, listen to what you have to say, but still won't do what you want. It can be very frustrating teaching this child because your best efforts produce little change and you seem unable to penetrate the wall of silence and defiance the child has built around himself. Withholding is a powerful tactic and this child uses it skillfully! This child causes a teacher to feel a different form of frustration than you would feel with an openly defiant child who tells you "NO" to your face. This child is telling you "no" without saying a word - simply by the fact that they refuse to act and refuse to fight with you. These are very powerful children.
Keep your eye out for power driven children in the classroom and know that all power and control driven misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Revenge misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
The second item examined is the Power driven Goal of Misbehavior and how it fits into this personality matrix.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Power (the second Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a leader. In school, this child wants to be in charge of things and lead others, he or she wants to be the assistant teacher, wants to be the line leader, likes being in charge of small groups, etc. This child has lots of courage and actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often a support for the teacher. When kids are misbehaving this child often implores them to get quiet and behave on behalf of the teacher! Schools need to find ways to help these children channel their desires for power in constructive ways through school council, athletics, music and arts programs, anything that puts children in charge in a good way. When teachers understand this matrix, they share power with children in the classroom to develop constructive leadership. Developing constructive leadership in the classroom is a very important job for a teacher who is skillfully managing the class to become increasingly cooperative.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Power will do all of things we typically associate with a defiant child. In school, this child will openly and directly defy the teacher and persons of authority, they persist in breaking the rules, will often say "NO" to a teacher or parent to their face - they will do anything to resist being told what to do by someone in authority. Remember, this child has a lot of courage and therefore will be openly defiant and rude in a way that is bold and brazen. Teachers often feel that their authority is being openly challenged and threatened by this child (because it is!). Teachers feel stuck with this child in the classroom because they feel like each incident is a test case of either fighting back with the child or giving in to him or her to avoid a fight. Dealing with this child in the classroom is exhausting!
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Power quietly desires to be in control and in charge in a good way but lacks the courage to demonstrate it or ask for an appropriate position of power. This child is a resource in the classroom that is very often untapped because the child stays hidden. If the teacher knew how to recognize that this child is hiding his or her strength and knew how to encourage him or her to be in a position of power, the child would enjoy it and run with it. However, this child will not ask for it or bring attention to himself to get it. This is clearly a case where if this child's leadership is to come forward it will take an astute teacher or adult to recognize it and foster leadership in this child, despite the child's lack of courage to show it. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as an increasingly noticeable constructive force in the classroom. This child's leadership ability can easily go completely unnoticed in the classroom.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Power will quietly not comply with nearly everything the teacher asks of him. However, his child lacks courage, so he or she will play out defiance by withholding what you want. Instead of saying 'NO" to your face, this child will not speak back to you but will simply do what he wants to do ignoring you and defying you QUIETLY. This child does not do their work or forgets things needed to do their work, avoids work by distracting himself from it, finds other things to do rather than the assigned work, walks around the room quietly and unnoticed. Teachers often miss seeing this child's avoidance and defiance because they are so good at being passive until you got to check on work completed and find little or nothing getting done! When confronted with getting to work, this child will sit quietly, listen to what you have to say, but still won't do what you want. It can be very frustrating teaching this child because your best efforts produce little change and you seem unable to penetrate the wall of silence and defiance the child has built around himself. Withholding is a powerful tactic and this child uses it skillfully! This child causes a teacher to feel a different form of frustration than you would feel with an openly defiant child who tells you "NO" to your face. This child is telling you "no" without saying a word - simply by the fact that they refuse to act and refuse to fight with you. These are very powerful children.
Keep your eye out for power driven children in the classroom and know that all power and control driven misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Revenge misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Friday, October 21, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 2 - Attention Getting
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
This matrix helps us to observe and recognize various types of behavior and understand it for what it is. Many teachers and parents are trying to respond to behaviors they do not understand and it makes it very difficult to do. Misbehavior is not random and a blur, it is specific and targeted.
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
Remember, there are four basic misbehaviors in this system: Attention, Power, Revenge, Assumed Disability. Each of these 4 misbehavior types fit into this matrix.
This blog will deal with the first one - Attention. We begin to put this matrix together by examining each category in the matrix applying it to and focusing on attention-getting behaviors by a child.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Attention (the first Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a "good" child. In school, this child raises his hand to speak, waits his turn, does his work when assigned, volunteering to answer questions, etc. This child actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often helpers for the teacher.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Attention will do all of things we typically associate with an annoying child. In school, this child calls out to be noticed, has trouble waiting a turn and forces himself into being recognized among the other kids in class, may not do work on time or when asked,
will often make noises, bang things, get up and walk around at inappropriate times - anything to turn the head of an adult so they get your attention, like a flashing billboard in the classroom. Teachers are often annoyed after a point with these children because they often are not stopped by correction - they need the attention so badly, they will risk a teacher reprimand(s) to get it.
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Attention will quietly comply with everything the teacher asks of him. However, this child rarely or never raises a hand to give an answer - they lack the courage to do so. They know the answer. If a teacher called on them despite not having a hand raised, this child would provide the correct response easily. But they do not have the courage to do it on their own. This child prefers to be out of the spotlight. This child is often a great resource in the classroom for a teacher but goes untapped because they hide. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as a constructive force in the classroom. This is a child who can go completely unnoticed for the entire day in school.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Attention will quietly not comply with everything the teacher asks of the class. While teaching, this child is playing quietly with pencils or little items in his desk. He is often inattentive and disconnected from the flow of events in the classroom (not because he is unable to learn). This child wants the attention of being disconnected but hates to draw obvious attention to himself for doing the wrong thing. So this child plays out the need for attention by quietly going about his own agenda in school, disregarding the agenda the teacher is laying out. The theme of this child's form of misbehavior is to "withhold" what you want by forgetting or not doing. Often this child's misbehavior is missed by a busy, distracted teacher because the Active/Destructive Attention getter is grabbing all of the oxygen in the room. A sharp eyed teacher will see this child quietly not complying, but it takes practice to recognize it early and help the child out of it. These children hide under the radar of the classroom.
Keep your eye out for attention seeking children in the classroom and know that all attention seeking misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Power and Control misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When a child is acting out his or her misbehavior patterns, recognizing the 4 Goals of Misbehavior can really help you to deal with the behavior in a more effective way. It helps to understand the 4 goals because it helps you to de-personalize the misbehavior as being a personal affront to YOU. The child would play out this misbehavior with anyone, you just happen to be there!
The next step in understanding Goals of Misbehavior involves the Personality Matrix.
The Personality Matrix divides behavior into 4 categories using two axis.
Constructive Behavior | Destructive Behavior |
| |
| |
| | Active
| |
____________________________________________________________
| |
| | Passive
| |
| |
| |
_____________________________________________________________
This matrix helps us to observe and recognize various types of behavior and understand it for what it is. Many teachers and parents are trying to respond to behaviors they do not understand and it makes it very difficult to do. Misbehavior is not random and a blur, it is specific and targeted.
Constructive behavior is what we like in the classroom and at home. It is the behavior that complies with proper boundaries and respects other people, follows expectations and cooperates socially.
Destructive behavior is what we dislike. It is behavior that does not comply with proper boundaries, does not respect other people, does not follow expectations and fails to cooperate socially.
It can be annoying, because it is constantly pulling your attention way from what you want to do to what the child is wanting you to do.
Active on this matrix means that a child has a bold personality disposition. They have courage to act out their behavior. Active is neither constructive or destructive. It is simply courageous. This child's behavior tends to be "in your face" because they have so much courage.
Passive on this matrix means that a child has less courage and is more hidden in his or her personality disposition. The behaviors acted out by this child are quieter and less "in your face" often employing
"withholding" and quiet refusal.
Remember, there are four basic misbehaviors in this system: Attention, Power, Revenge, Assumed Disability. Each of these 4 misbehavior types fit into this matrix.
This blog will deal with the first one - Attention. We begin to put this matrix together by examining each category in the matrix applying it to and focusing on attention-getting behaviors by a child.
An Active/Constructive child who wants Attention (the first Goal of Misbehavior) will do all of things we typically associate with a "good" child. In school, this child raises his hand to speak, waits his turn, does his work when assigned, volunteering to answer questions, etc. This child actively demonstrates their constructive behaviors. Teachers love having these child in class. They are often helpers for the teacher.
An Active/Destructive child who wants Attention will do all of things we typically associate with an annoying child. In school, this child calls out to be noticed, has trouble waiting a turn and forces himself into being recognized among the other kids in class, may not do work on time or when asked,
will often make noises, bang things, get up and walk around at inappropriate times - anything to turn the head of an adult so they get your attention, like a flashing billboard in the classroom. Teachers are often annoyed after a point with these children because they often are not stopped by correction - they need the attention so badly, they will risk a teacher reprimand(s) to get it.
A Passive/Constructive child who wants Attention will quietly comply with everything the teacher asks of him. However, this child rarely or never raises a hand to give an answer - they lack the courage to do so. They know the answer. If a teacher called on them despite not having a hand raised, this child would provide the correct response easily. But they do not have the courage to do it on their own. This child prefers to be out of the spotlight. This child is often a great resource in the classroom for a teacher but goes untapped because they hide. When teachers begin to understand this matrix they often begin to tap into these children and develop them as a constructive force in the classroom. This is a child who can go completely unnoticed for the entire day in school.
A Passive/Destructive child who wants Attention will quietly not comply with everything the teacher asks of the class. While teaching, this child is playing quietly with pencils or little items in his desk. He is often inattentive and disconnected from the flow of events in the classroom (not because he is unable to learn). This child wants the attention of being disconnected but hates to draw obvious attention to himself for doing the wrong thing. So this child plays out the need for attention by quietly going about his own agenda in school, disregarding the agenda the teacher is laying out. The theme of this child's form of misbehavior is to "withhold" what you want by forgetting or not doing. Often this child's misbehavior is missed by a busy, distracted teacher because the Active/Destructive Attention getter is grabbing all of the oxygen in the room. A sharp eyed teacher will see this child quietly not complying, but it takes practice to recognize it early and help the child out of it. These children hide under the radar of the classroom.
Keep your eye out for attention seeking children in the classroom and know that all attention seeking misbehavior is not the same. Use this matrix to help you understand what is happening in a more refined and specific way, so you are then positioned to respond to the misbehavior is a more refined and specific way!
The next blog will deal with Power and Control misbehavior applied to his matrix.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Goals of Misbehavior, Part 1
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There is a reason kids behave the way they do. It is more than just being bad and disruptive. There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).
One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior. There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children. The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior. This usually starts when a child is very young. The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.). Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her. Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again. The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention. If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it. The need for adult attention in children is very strong.
Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship. Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse. Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire. So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult. This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc. Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?" This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way" or "in our house you do not behave this way". When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands. Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve. The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages. This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.
When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages. Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!
The third goal is REVENGE. This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life. It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child. To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them. It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back! Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel. Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her. Now the child is fluent in three types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge. He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave. Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.
The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY. This is not to be confused with a learning disability. In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others. This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior. Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him. He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially. He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others. He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.
This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior. It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it. Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults. Stay Tuned! In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them. Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose. The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way. They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it. Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
There is a reason kids behave the way they do. It is more than just being bad and disruptive. There is a logic behind their misbehavior (see private logic prior posting).
One way to help parents and teachers understand what is going on when kids misbehave is to look at the GOAL of the misbehavior. There are typically 4 common goals that categorize the misbehavior of children. The first is ATTENTION GETTING misbehavior. This usually starts when a child is very young. The child does anything to get your attention (crying, refusing, saying "No", interrupting, ignoring you, etc., etc.). Most of the time it works because when young children behave this way we (mistakenly) pay lots of attention to him or her. Unfortunately, the more we pay attention to it, the more it happens over and over again. The reason it happens repeatedly is not because the child is "bad", it happens because all the child really wants is your attention. If the child believes the way to get your attention to do "bad" things, he or she will do it. The need for adult attention in children is very strong.
Often, when children act our Attention Getting misbehavior the adult unwisely drifts into pulling the child deeper into misbehavior by introducing POWER into the relationship. Power is the second goal of misbehavior and indicates that the misbehavior pattern in the child is getting worse. Power misbehavior is when a child not only wants your attention but now adds this additional element to his/her repertoire. So now in addition to knowing how to get your attention by misbehaving, the child now begins to push back and wants to be in control in the relationship with the adult. This comes in
the form of refusals, disrespect, defiance, willfully ignoring adult directions, etc. Parents and teachers who are dealing with a child caught up in power misbehavior often wonder to themselves..."who is the boss here, me or this child?" This is when the adult introduces power and tells the child that "in my classroom you do not behave this way" or "in our house you do not behave this way". When a power driven child hears these statements it is an invitation to pursue more power with you as the battleground for misbehavior now expands. Power driven misbehavior, combined with Attention Getting misbehavior, are often very frustrating for adults to deal with and resolve. The behavior problems with a child increase significantly when the child adds Power to Attention Getting - adults are now dealing with a child with 2 goals of misbehavior combined and the child can switch between them both in a moment - like being fluent in two languages. This can often leave parents and teacher scrambling for what to do and how to deal with it.
When children add these goals of misbehavior to their repertoire over time it is like increasing their fluency in four languages. Children can be fluent in all four of these goals simultaneously...YIKES!
The third goal is REVENGE. This is when the child feels hurt by someone in their life. It may be a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, or a perceived hurt by the child. To the child it is a hurt and it has deep meaning for them. It is internalized, often quietly and unspoken, and it causes the child to add a third "language" to their misbehavior repertoire - hurting back! Children play this out in various ways - they steal things, bite, scratch, destroy objects, vandalize, kick, fight, etc. Children caught in revenge do whatever it takes to cause the other person(s) to feel hurt, like they feel. Adults are startled by this behavior from children because we cannot see the depth of their hurt, only the effects of it in their revenge driven behaviors. When this third level of misbehavior shows up things are deteriorating for the child and the misbehavior is becoming increasingly serious and dysfunctional for the child and everyone around him or her. Now the child is fluent in three types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power and Revenge. He is accumulating a difficult repertoire of methods to misbehave. Confronted with these types of misbehavior combined in one child, randomly coming at you - adults are becoming increased frustrated and worried.
The fourth and final stage of misbehavior is called ASSUMED DISABILITY. This is not to be confused with a learning disability. In behavioral terms this disability is "assumed" or taken on by the child because of their faulty private logic (see prior posting explaining private logic) about how to belong with others. This belonging gets twisted and bent in a destructive direction for all of these forms of misbehavior. Now, after having tried Attention Getting, Power and Revenge and all of them have failed to help the child feel the sense of belonging with others he craves but mistakenly goes about it in destructive ways, the child begins to give up on people ever accepting him. He goes deeper into this hole of misbehavior and its accompanying distorted private logic and disconnects from others.
The child "assumes" the disability of disconnecting socially. He isolates himself, does not participate with others, does not do school work, will not play with others. He lives, socially, on an island and is cut off from others in a way that is seriously disturbing and can be dangerous to himself or others.
This blog is intended to lay out the 4 goals of misbehavior. It is a complex concept with many dimensions to it. Future blogs with expand on this concept of Goals of Misbehavior and give more information about how it plays out in the lives of children and adults. Stay Tuned! In the meantime start observing children (at home, in school, in the supermarket, playground, bedtime, etc) and watch for signs of these 4 goals of misbehavior being played out. Even though I have not provided you with ways to manage these 4 misbehavior yet, it can be helpful for adults to simply start recognizing theses behaviors and classifying them. Misbehavior is not random in children, it has a purpose. The purpose is to BELONG with others - unfortunately, misbehaving children go about it in a destructive way. They are stuck in this destructive pattern, wanting to belong and have no idea how to go about it. Become keen observers of these 4 powerful types of misbehavior - Attention Getting, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Disability.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Managing Kids When They Argue
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
When kids argue among themselves it can be difficult to sort out the truth and figure out what happened. Helping children calm down when they are upset and their feelings are hurt is no simple task for a teacher with 25 other children restlessly waiting in the wings! It is equally difficult for a harried parent who may have another baby crying on one arm and making dinner with the other.
Upset, crying and fighting children are not easy to manage. It is a good idea to have a plan and a strategy when faced with it to help you through it. Most adults (parents or teachers) react "on the fly" to whatever is going on and wonder why things don't go smoothly!
The first technique to employ is to learn how to calm an upset child by reflecting his or her feelings. If a child is crying or red hot with anger - they are not able to listen to just about anything you have to say. Oddly enough this same "hot" child will listen to you when you reflect their hot feelings back to them because you are speaking to them ABOUT them in a way that hits home.
First Step: Reflect Feelings in an attempt to calm the child down.
The second technique is to give everyone a chance to speak. When children are fighting or arguing it helps to give each of them a chance to speak without being interrupted. So set the firm ground rule that one child speaks at a time without being interrupted. The other child has to listen - even if they strongly disagree with the speaker. This is a lesson in patience and waiting a turn. Once the first child is finished speaking and telling their side of the story, turn to the second child and ask for his or her side of the story. The first child now listens quietly and practices patience. Be strict in enforcing the no interrupting rule.
Second Step: One child speaks at a time.
The third technique is to probe thinking and ask questions. You ask questions to try and clarify what happened BUT there is a clear intention behind your questions - you are looking for compromise and peace between the two children who are fighting. Sometimes I ask them if they have been friends for a long time. If they are siblings at home I ask if they have played well together before. I reflect again that fighting is hard because feelings get hurt. I tell them that they must feel badly about it and I could tell they are mad. Then I ask if they need time alone to calm down. Do not force them to be friends again, in fact, acknowledge they do not like one another right now and should be alone for a bit. The focus of your questions and probes should be a finding compromise and peace among kids who were friends before they fighting.
Third Step: Acknowledge past friendship and fun together through questioning and probing - give them a break from one another.
Remember throughout the peacemaking process you need to be the one with a tone of good will toward everyone who is angry - you are modeling self-discipline. Do not take sides and listen carefully to what each "hot" child is saying and reflect their feelings back to them. Do not permit kids to talk over one another and yell back and forth. Stop it. Insist on rules by having one child speak and the other listen. Be firm about giving each child a chance to speak uninterrupted. Then look for points of compromise and remind them that they were friends at one time. Send them off to be alone for a bit.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How To Tell Kids You Are Upset, Angry and Frustrated
If you enjoy this blog please subscribe and receive each new blog to your email account automatically! Also, please network this site and share it with other parents and teachers!
The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
The last posting was about reflecting feelings for children to help them recognize their own feelings when THEY are upset, angry and frustrated. This blog is about helping adults (parents and teachers) tell children when YOU are upset, angry and frustrated. Often we act out these feelings with each other. The world is full of examples of individual relationships between people and between cultures and countries acting out (destructively) their feelings against one another. A better approach is to learn how to express these difficult feelings directly and avoid the "acting out" behaviors. Our world (personal and global) would be a better place if we could all express our feelings clearly and honestly.
This technique is really quite simple. It is called using an "I Message". I messages are focused on expressing how you are feeling. This is one technique that has a bit of "recipe" to it. The recipe makes it easier to use and to remember.
"When you....." (express the behavior the other person is doing)
"If feel...." (tell the other person how the behavior makes you feel)
"because....." (tell the person the consequence of their behavior for you)
For example, lets say you have a teenage child who does not come home on time (possibly has a car) and does not call you to let you know they are late. The I Message statement would be:
"When you do not come home on time and do not call me to let me know, I feel worried about you because I do not know where you are or what is happening."
Now another way to approach this same situation is to feel worried about your child and grow increasingly upset and angry at them when they are late. Probably a million disastrous things go through your mind about what might have happened to them. It all builds up to you growing frightened and upset with them. When the teenager finally comes home you feel relieved but upset, angry and frustrated with them and typically you blow up at them and threaten them with not being able to have the car if they continue to come home late. All the while missing the opportunity to tell your child how much you care about them, love them and have been worrying. This is because we are not skilled at talking about these feelings when we are upset and in the midst of feeling this way. What you really want to say is how much you love and care for that teenager but you were scared and upset. I messages help you say what is true and authentic for you without missing the point and getting into a needless fight or argument.
A key ingredient in using I Messages is finding a consequence of the child's behavior behavior for you.....in this case, being worried because you did not know what was happening. In the classroom, another example could sound like this....
A child is talking while you are trying to teach a lesson. It bothers you and yet you are not sure what to say and how to say it without getting into an argument with the child or making the situation worse. This is the moment to use an I Message.
"When you talk to someone while I am teaching I feel annoyed because you are distracting me from teaching and possibly distracting other from hearing and learning what I am teaching."
Now, there is no guarantee that this technique is going to stop a persistent child from talking. Nothing guarantees that. But this technique does help YOU express how you are feeling without sounding foolish and acting out your annoyance in various, often, inappropriate ways. It is better to simply state what you are feeling and lay it on the line with a child. It is honest, authentic and real. Children (people) typically respond well to authentic feelings expressed clearly.
So consider giving I Messages a try in your classroom and in your home. It is a simple yet powerful tool to let children (or anyone!) know you are upset, angry or frustrated with them. It requires self-discipline to express your upset feelings rather than impulsively act them out inappropriately.
This kind of self-discipline is what we want from our children, so it is important the adults in their lives model it first for them.
Remember...
Self disciplined children come from being in relationship with self-disciplined adults.
Lou
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